Resident Fun 5
by Gerkyhen
Summary: A man hulk that runs around with guns, majini everywhere and...herbs! Disclaimer: Do not own Resi 5 for some reason. Bsaa are called Bssa in my story :D. R&E: Read and Enjoy
1. Chapter 1

*African song begins*

In a gloomy, dirty room; a woman stood over a quivering man. Her face was hidden behind a bird shaped mask, so her facial expression was indistinguishable to the man, who gazed up at her pleadingly.

The fright apparent upon the man's face increased as the woman circled him, for what had to be the 100th time (they'd been waiting for the cut scene for a while, and so she'd wanted to practice).

Eventually the tension clearly got too much for the man because he suddenly darted out a hand grasping at the woman. The intensity of the music increased as the woman shook him off and then…

"Oh for fucks sake!" The woman exclaimed suddenly.

The man stopped groaning and glanced up, half way through putting some black eye contacts in. "What's up?" he enquired.

"Well where's that woman doing the stupid singing?" The bird-masked woman asked, her head snapping around furiously as she searched for the distraction. "It's just making this whole scene a lot less tense."

"Oh…" the man, on the ground, trailed off and looked around quickly, before eventually settling his eyes upon a woman in the corner. She was holding a microphone, and though still singing, was now looking sheepish. "She's over there." he nodded.

The bird-masked woman swung around to cast an –unseen, pointless- glare at the sheepish looking woman.

"Oi!" she called.

The singer continued singing; casually pretending she couldn't see the bird-masked woman's furious stance.

"Oi!" The bird-masked woman repeated. "Hey, stop that!"

The singer stopped and jabbed a finger to her chest, in question as to whether The bird-masked woman was referring to her…although there was clearly no-one else The bird-masked woman could be talking to…the singer was just deliberately misunderstanding…quite annoying really.

"Yeah you. Stop that; it's distracting." The bird-masked woman growled.

The singer nodded; her face stretched into a sad, depressed frown…she'd always wanted to be a singer and now stupid Ji…the stupid bird-masked woman was wrecking her dreams. The bird-masked woman nodded, flexed slightly and then turned back to the groaning man.

"Ooaiheeeeee."

The bird-masked woman stiffened and turned steadily to cast another –unseen and, yet again, pointless glare- at the singer. The singer shuffled, under The bird-masked woman's glare, awkwardly before coughing and looking up.

"Me sorry." she apologised pitifully.

The bird-masked woman nodded yet again, gave the groaning man the thumbs up and then left the room; leaving the man to choke as leech like things began crawling all over him.

Meanwhile, on a dusty African road; a car was steadily making its way to a random African village. The man driving the car was Chris Redfield (or Man Hulk).

"Ahem." He cleared his throat efficiently.

_Time for my monologue. I should have seen it coming, it didn't take long after the fall of Umbrella…ella ella eh eh eh…corporation for their bio weapons to end up in the hands of naughty people. A new era of naughty people…naughtiness descended upon vulnerab…le…le…lel…countries. Shifting the balance of power throughout the region. People in the destabilized areas soon feared another incident like Badger city was inevitable. As panic spread; governments of the world turned to their local pharmacies…and everyone knows local pharmacies were the creators of the anti-naughties group: The BSAA (Big Super Asshole Association). Operatives of the BSAA were sent to infiltrate and neutralize. Restoring safety and sanity to various regions around the globe, that's why another name for the BSAA is the Globe Trotters…sound familiar? Yes, we're __**the**__ Globe Trotters. _

Not used to this extensive amount of thinking, and not used to telling himself a story he already knew; Chris scratched his head, trying to chase away the headache that had just erupted in his cranium as he jumped out of his van. The overly muscly man proceeded to the trunk of his car to check out his suitcase.

"Ah shit." He cursed upon realising that all he'd brought to this super awesome, extensively hard mission was his muscles, some porn and two Resident Evil games (both with his rival Leon in it!)

"Run while you can."

Chris turned to see a petit, pretty African woman; a solemn glare plastered over her face. A little outstanded, Chris looked behind him; checking that she was definitely talking to him.

"M…me?" he checked. "What sort of greeting is that?"

"Oh I'm sorry," she retorted sarcastically. "Were you expecting something nice? Like…Welcome to Africa?"

Chris stared at her in bemusement for a while, the woman glared back. Eventually Chris spoke. "Uh…well, yeah. I mean, it's kinda weird to have that as your greeting…"

"…fine," the African woman relented. "Welcome to Africa."

"Thank you." Chris nodded before opening a porn mag and flipping through it.

The woman watched him for a while before stepping forward slightly. "My name is Sheva Alomar." she introduced.

Chris looked up from the mag and nodded in acknowledgement. "Chris Redfield. Man Hulk to my friends, and to my enemies…death."

There was a moment of silence as Sheva stared at Chris and Chris stared back.

"O…k," Sheva whistled, awkwardly, after a while. "**Anyway**. Your muscles precede you Mr. Redfield, it's an honour."

"It's Chris," Chris returned moodily. "So I'm guessing you're my partner? That's just great."

"Shut up," Sheva retorted. "Listen; tensions are running high ever since Mint Choc ice cream was discontinued in the shops, in this area."

"I'll bet," Chris nodded. "My mum said this place is a haven for naughties now."

"Your mother is correct," Sheva affirmed. "And they're not going to be happy to see a gigantic, muscular guy running around with guns, BSAA or not. **That's** why I'm your partner; to help put them at ease." she explained.

"Oh and I'm sure you'll do **just** fine." Chris assured her, turning to throw the porn mag back into the car and rolling his eyes.

Sheva nodded –unaware of the sarcasm in Chris' tone- then turned and walked away, leaving Chris to have a flashback.

"Partner…" he murmured.

A flash of Jill Valentine's grave flew into his mind. Jill Valentine…his partner.

"Ooh, that hurts right there." Chris groaned, clutching his heart with one hand and wiping tears away with the other.

"You ok, you big baby?" Sheva asked as she turned to look at him.

"Shut up," Chris replied. "Let's roll." he ran to join Sheva at her side.

The partners began walking aimlessly in the correct destination. A few locals gave Chris funny looks; so he had to punch them, but otherwise it was going without a hiccup.

_Booboo's continue to mount over the long years I've struggled with my sexuality. More and more I find myself wondering if it's all worth fighting for. _

"_Don't tell me, it's not worth fighting for." _

Suddenly an African man, in army gear, interrupted Chris' monologue/song. Sheva motioned for Chris to stay back before advancing forward to the man.

The man looked to Chris and said something, but obviously Chris couldn't understand; as he hadn't bothered to learn the language. The American pointed to his ears, grinning, and then shrugged.

This seemed to irritate the man as he pushed forward to confront Chris, but then he noticed Sheva. Smiling nastily; the man began feeling the woman up.

As his hands reached her bum, Sheva squealed. "Ew. You pervert!" she shoved the man back, before handing him some identification papers. "C'mon Chris-" she turned to her partner, only to see that he wasn't there.

Confused, the woman turned back to the army man; just in time to see Chris beating him senseless.

"**Chris**. What are you going?" She demanded.

"He. Touched. Your. Bootimus. Maximus!" Chris roared as he landed another punch on the man.

Sheva looked at him for a few moments before shrugging.

* * *

Finally, once Chris **had** beaten the man senseless he stood up.

Sheva looked up from the porn mag, she had been reading. "Ready?" she asked.

"Yep." Chris nodded, grinning.

Sheva gave him a funny look, but Chris didn't see as he was resuming his monologue.

_There's one thing I do know; I got forced to do this job…and at any available opportunity I'm going to run away. _

The large gate, in front of the two, opened, allowing Chris and Sheva to walk dramatically through.

* * *

_I'm slowly going through these chapters, editing them so that they won't burn your eyes out when you read them. Hope the improvement is ok. _


	2. Chapter 2

_So Chris and Sheva have met, and the story is kicking off…_

"This is Kirk. Chris, Sheva can you read me?" the radio buzzed.

Sheva reached for the radio, but Chris shoved her away. "Chris here," he affirmed. He flicked his gaze to his partner. "Coming in loud. And. Clear." he added, pronouncing each word very precisely.

Sheva rolled her eyes before opening her mouth. "Yes, we read you." she slipped in and then grinned smugly.

Chris's head snapped up and he glowered at his partner. 'Shut **up**!' he mimed.

"There's a black market ice cream deal going on in a hard to pronounce place, that's where Backstabber Mc stabberface (i.e. Irving) will be. Alpha team beat you there," (at this, Chris punched a wall, to dust, in anger). "They've infiltrated this area and you'll be going in as backup." Kirk continued, unaware of Chris's rage issues.

"Back up?" Chris whined. He turned angrily to Sheva. "This is **your** fault." he hissed.

Sheva gazed at him, mouth agape. "How the heck is it m-"

Chris glowered at her for a moment before putting his finger to his lips. "Ssh, Kirk's speaking." he hushed her.

Biting her lip in disbelief, Sheva glared at the man.

"Can I continue…? Umm, ok; meet your contact at the butcher's shop. Watch your backs." and with that, Kirk was gone.

As soon as Kirk had finished, Chris stopped walking. Sheva, unaware, kept walking and was rewarded with a painful experience against Chris' back. Yelping in pain, the woman leapt back.

"What the hell?" she demanded, rubbing her nose in pain. "Chris, why did you stop?"

Instead of replying, Chris began scrabbling at his back. "Sheva," he growled. "What did he mean by watch your backs?"

Sheva watched him for a few moments, flabbergasted, before chuckling slightly. "Oh, that's nothing," she disregarded. "It's just; the people in this village are infamous for putting 'kick me' signs on people's backs."

Chris' eyes widened in horror and he turned to Sheva, grabbing her forcefully by the shoulders. "If I get even **one** 'kick me' sign on my back I will kill everyone. Okay Sheva? **Everyone**!"

Sheva gazed at him in fright; her wide eyes taking in the mad look within Chris' own orbs.

"O…ok," she garbled, wriggling out of the big man's grip. "Ok."

Apparently unaware of the horror he had just instilled within his young partner, Chris just nodded, dropping his hands off her shoulders as he did so.

"Good," he sniffed, looking to the sky. "Good."

Sheva would have said something, but she was soon distracted by the scenario of a few men beating at a sack. Chris simply walked past, apparently unfazed by this unusual –and quite frankly disturbing- behaviour, Sheva ran to catch up with him.

She glanced over her shoulder at the menacing men, still hitting at the sack, and then back to her partner. "D…don't you think we should investigate what was in that sack?" she pressed cautiously.

Chris rolled his eyes and exhaled air loudly. He flicked a quick look back over his shoulder at the men and their sack and then shrugged. "Nah, I can't be bothered. Besides, it's probably just potatoes or something,"

Sheva still looked unnerved. The big man obviously noticed this because he put a reassuring hand onto her shoulder. "Just potatoes Sheva," he reemphasised. "They're just making yummy mashed potato for dinner tonight,"

Sheva shook her head and opened her mouth to argue, looking quite disgruntled about how patronising Chris had just been to her, but the man interrupted her. He pointed one muscly finger forwards.

"The **butcher** shop!" he enthused, childish delight within his eyes. Despite this obvious enthusiasm, the man did not pick up the pace in anyway; opting to continue at –if anything- a slower pace of walking.

However, while Chris seemed like the happiest, carefree man in the world at that current moment in time, Sheva felt a building sense of unease. She turned only to see the village void of life. Not even the potato mashing men were there anymore. Confused, Sheva's eyes narrowed.

"**Sheva**,"

At the sound of her name, the woman whipped around.

"Stop trying to get all the screen time," Chris growled. "This is **my** game. Now shut up and follow me."

"I didn't say anything." Sheva mumbled moodily. She cast one more look over her shoulder, but this was met by an angry grunt from Chris, so she grumpily turned her head once more; eyes set on the little blue door that led to the butcher's shop.

Once they reached said door, a look of utter confusion became apparent upon Chris' face. He cast a confused smile onto Sheva. "How do we get this open eh?" he questioned.

"Well," Sheva began slowly, slightly unnerved by Chris' friendly attitude. "We could always just **push** the door open?"

Chris slowly shook his head at this suggestion and –as his own suggestion- slowly raised a rocket launcher.

"Chri-" Sheva began, but the man wasn't listening.

"All problems in life can be solved with a rocket launcher!" Chris roared through her warnings before blasting away the door in front of them, and taking half the wall away too.

"What the **fuck**!" screamed the butcher shop clerk jumping back in horror as half of his wall disintegrated.

Chris stepped through the rubble. "Give me all your money!" he roared, whipping out an AK-47 from nowhere.

"Chris! **Chris**! Put your gun down! We need his help remember?" Sheva shrieked, looking as horrified as the butcher shop clerk did.

Chris turned to her, his eyes wild. Then he glanced at the butcher shop clerk. Within seconds he had tucked the AK away.

"Oh right," he amended gruffly. He glanced at the butcher shop clerk. "Sorry." he apologised.

The butcher shop clerk just stared at him with wide eyes.

"You can continue now," Sheva encouraged. "We **are **sorry."

"Ahem," the butcher shop clerk slowly regained his composure before continuing. "Right," the man's nervous eyes flickered to Chris.

Chris who was breathing heavily and glaring at nothing in particular.

"You're…both here," he advanced. "Come." with another nervous glance, the butcher shop clerk led them through a doorway. Seemingly the man gained a little more momentum –and courage- as he began to explain the situation. "It may be because of the discontinued ice cream, but people around here are a little on edge," he informed them. "You should do what you came to do and go home."

Chris and Sheva exchanged a glance.

"Well…yeah," Chris agreed awkwardly. "That's…that's sorta what I was planning to do…"

"Yes," Sheva agreed. "And anyway, this **is** my home."

"Oh…" the butcher shop clerk said.

This was followed by an awkward silence. Chris decided to break this silence with a snappy comment.

"Yeah, they really roll out the red carpet to us Americans," he quipped before smiling around.

He was, however, only rewarded with a glare from Sheva.

"Shut up Chris." she snarled.

Feeling even more awkward than before, and not willing to watch the two partners fight, the butcher shop clerk cut in. "I have your weapons here. Check them."

"Don't tell me what to do." Chris retorted before going up close to the butcher shop clerk in an attempt to intimidate him.

"Check them **please**." Sheva grumbled in agreement with Chris' thoughts before she looked up at the clerk. "Destination coordinates?" she enquired.

The butcher shop clerk ducked out from behind Chris' massive bulk, relieved to have a distraction from imminent death. "Town Square's up ahead," he informed.

Sheva glowered at him for wrecking the efficiency of her statement. The butcher shop clerk persisted, apparently just wanting them out of the way.

"Alpha Team are waiting at the deal location." he continued.

"Good." nodded Sheva enthusiastically.

"So," the butcher shop clerk leaned forward slightly. "What do you two know about Uroboros?"

This question was met by blank looks courtesy of both Chris and Sheva.

"Right," the butcher shop clerk coughed, deeming that as pointless territory to cross. "Just find the man called Backstabber Mc Stabberface, he's our only lead…and be careful out there." with these parting words, the butcher shop clerk began to walk away.

"What an overdramatic jackass." Sheva announced loudly.

"Yes," Chris agreed pompously. "I wouldn't be surprised if his head was cut off by an executioner."

"Indeed." Sheva nodded.

The butcher shop clerk cried a little bit…he only wanted friends. But he didn't ever get any. The end of his story.


	3. Chapter 3

Resident Fun 5

_Another chapter of Resi 5 fun, enjoy…_

"So I was like, Wesker just shut **up** will you!?" Chris explained as he pushed the door open, Sheva enraptured nodded.

"Uhuh uhuh then what happened?" She asked.

"I guess it'll have to wait, check it out" Chris gestured with his gun towards the scene before them, two men were holding another man down as he struggled, suddenly the one on top began shoving a slimy, squirming mess down the mans throat.

"That's one funky sandwich" Chris said wincing.

"We've gotta stop them!" Sheva said.

"Freeze!" Chris shouted.

The two men who had been holding the other man down looked up.

"Ah shit" said one of them.

"Crap run!" Screeched the other one.

The two ran round the corner.

"Did you see the size of that guy?" Chris and Sheva heard the two men conversing as they faded away.

Meanwhile the man on the floor began retching and choking.

Sheva and Chris exchanged a glance. Sheva advanced forward but Chris hung back.

"Chris come on!" Sheva commanded.

"But Sheva its sooooo gross!" Chris complained.

"Now!" Sheva growled.

Chris hung his head and shuffled over to join Sheva standing over the retching man.

Sheva elbowed him.

"Ow! No Sheva that really hurt" Chris glared at his partner before looking down to the man. "Are you ok?" He asked wrinkling his nose in disgust.

He went to touch the man but the man roared at him to keep him away.

"Aargh what the hell man!" Chris screamed whipping out his gun.

"Chris no!" Sheva screamed but it was too late Chris shot the man dead, the dead body oozed away in acid.

Sheva exchanged a confused look with Chris.

"Did you see that?" Sheva asked.

"See he wasn't human it was **good** that I shot him!" Chris exclaimed.

Sheva groaned.

_Very short I know, but hey who cares? Update soon, cuz even if this isn't funny I'm having fun writing it :D _


	4. Chapter 4

Resident Fun 5

_Zomg freeplay! Run for the hills! :F Oh wait sorry, no gameplay next chappy. _

The green door banged open and Chris and Sheva left the harsh sunlight outside.

"What's that stupid noise?" Chris asked as he ventured to the window.

Sheva joined Chris at the window and the pair looked out to see hundreds of men (and woman, so not to be sexist) cheering at a dude with a megaphone.

"Eew Sheva check out that one" Chris pointed at one of the men.

"And this guy was totally dissing our style maaaannn!" The megaphone man shouted.

"Chris!" Sheva shook Chris, "Look, it's the butcher shop clerk"

"Oh yeah" Chris nodded. "I wonder how he met all these guys. He didn't really look very sociable, how nice for him"

"Chris I think he's in trouble!" Sheva warned.

"Leave him be Sheva, we've done all we can for him, you've got to set him free" Chris scolded.

"What are you **talking** about!?" Sheva demanded.

"So because he was dissin our style we've decided to totally fucking OWN him!" Screamed the mega phone man.

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Yelped the butcher shop clerk.

"I wonder how we can hear them from here?" Chris wondered aloud.

"You can all go to hell!" The butcher shop clerk continued.

"Jeez he's asking for it" Sheva tutted.

The mega phone man nodded at the gigantic axe man who nodded and brought the axe up.

"Oh god!" Sheva yelped before hiding behind Chris.

"Ssh!" Chris scolded munching popcorn.

The axe came down.

"OH, OW! Woo!" Chris catcalled.

"Chris!" Sheva scolded.

"Jeez, jeez sorry" Chris huffed.

The crowd cheered loudly and Chris crossed his arms in a mood.

"I could be out there if it weren't for you" He said moodily.

"Chris! Stop being in a mood and go tell them off!" Sheva hissed.

"Fine, fine" Chris sighed, before dragging his feet towards the door, he dragged himself outside up the ladder and grabbed the mega phone of the mega phone guy.

"Hey! Hey guys!" He began, the crowd went silent as Sheva looked on in horror. "Ok, ahem, just gonna clear my throat and…just gonna stand here"

Chris got into a comfortable position then continued.

"Ok now what you just did wasn't cool ok?" Chris shouted. "Now that guy was alright…"

"Boo you suck!" Shouted somebody from the crowd.

"…Ok now I don't need that kind of feedback, alright? I'm just trying to put my opinion across alright?" Chris retorted. "Ok, alright, now see that little lady down there?"

All of the men looked over at a tiny shrew woman in the corner. "Hello everyone" she squeaked waving happily.

"Yeah she's gross, now look in that window there, ok?!" Chris pointed to the window.

Sheva jumped back startled as all of the men turned to look at her.

"Ok she wasn't happy with what you just did alright? Ok, alright? And it really scared her, ok?" Chris explained.

"No that's not ok!" shouted the mega phone man suddenly. "You come in all in our face and you try and boss us around but we don't even care! So shut up right men!?"

"I don't get it, do we answer him?" One man asked at the front of the crowd.

"No, no he doesn't have the mega phone" another man answered.

"For fucks sake!" Groaned the mega phone guy before grabbing the mega phone. "GET THEM!" he yelled.

Sheva watched in horror.

"All alright?"

Sheva turned quickly to see Chris standing there. "How'd you get there?" She asked.

"Uh yeah it didn't work out, so now all their lot's coming after us" Chris explained.

"I know I saw!" Sheva exploded.

"Sshhh, I don't know if they saw me come in" Chris shushed her.

Sheva looked over at the crowd members staring into the window. "…" she said.

_Hope you liked it :) _


	5. Chapter 5

Resident Fun 5

_I'm so dedicated that I'm writing when nobody's reading (I think, if you are thanks : ) if you are reading thank you :) _

"Quick shove those cupboards in front of the windows!" Sheva commanded, rushing over to one of the cupboards and beginning to push and groan against it.

"Yeah come on you can do it!" Chris encouraged.

"Chris!" Sheva shouted.

"WHAT!?" Chris yelped.

"Chris you're like the bloody man hulk, help me push this thing!" Sheva demanded.

"God you're like my mother" Chris mumbled as he shuffled over to his partner.

With one hand he shoved the cupboard in front of the window and then did the same to the other one.

"Quick behind this counter!" Sheva yelled before hopping over it, Chris walked around after her.

"Hey losers you scared!?" Shouted the Majini's outside.

"I'll show you scared!" Chris yelled.

"No! Chris!" Sheva shrieked attempting to pull him back.

"Raaah!" Chris knocked Sheva away and smashed through one of the cupboards.

"Ooh he's coming out!" One Majini cackled.

"Woo, I'm sooooo scared!" Another catcalled.

Chris screamed and punched both Majini in one punch.

"Argh what the hell man!" Shrieked one of them from the floor.

"Yeah who **hits** people!?" The other one agreed.

Chris unsheathed his gun and shot both of the annoying Majini's in their heads.

SMASH

Chris turned to see the executioner with his giant axe smashing into the house.

"Sheva! No! She wasn't ugly!" Chris screamed, falling to his knees.

"Chris, I'm alright!" Sheva consoled him as she shot the people surrounding him.

"Sheva!? Don't ever do that to me again!" Chris shrieked jumping up and crushing Sheva in a man hulk hug.

Sheva looked over Chris's shoulder to see the axe man.

"Chris!" She yelped before barrelling him out the way.

"One, two three, now push!" The axe man yelled, the three Majini nodded and heaved the axe up. "Thank you!" The axe man yelled again before bringing the axe back down in front of him.

Chris and Sheva stared at him.

"What!? I can't lift that bloody thing all by myself!" The axe man hissed.

"Sheesh ok" Chris retorted.

"Get them!" The axe man screamed.

Suddenly a man grabbed Chris. "Help Sheva a white man's got me!" Chris screamed.

"What do I do!?" Sheva yelped.

"Press B!" Chris screamed.

Sheva smacked the man out of the way but not in time to stop another man from hitting Chris in the neck with a bottle.

"ARGH!" Chris screamed clawing at his neck.

"I'm coming!" Sheva squealed before running with Chris towards a burnt out bus.

"Here take this" She said pushing a herb into Chris's hand before resuming shooting people away from the burnt out bus.

"Umm…"

"What!?" Sheva demanded shooting a few people away. "What?"

"Well…well how do I use this?" Chris asked.

"Just use it!" Sheva shrieked before continuing the shooting.

Chris stared down at the leafy herb in his hand. "Um…" He ripped off a leaf and rubbed it slowly into his cut. "ARGH THE PAIN ARGH!" Chris screamed.

"Try it another way!" Sheva commanded.

"Umm" Chris answered. "Before I do, why hasn't the big axe guy came smashing into here yet?"

"He's out there trying to yank his axe out of the ground" Sheva answered. "Now take the herb!"

"Alright, alright!" Chris retorted, he looked at the herb again, before opening his mouth wide. "AHHH" he said before stuffing the herb down his throat.

"Okay?" Sheva checked.

"Bleurgh" Chris threw up, before jumping up. "Fine good" he agreed wiping his mouth. "Now to deal with the axe man!" He said rushing out and upper cutting the axe man in the face.

"ARGH!" Shouted the axe man, Chris yanked out his handgun and shot the man twice in the face before jumping up and down repeatedly on the handle of the gigantic axe.

"Stop it, stop it!" The axe man whined.

"Chris, Sheva how you holdin' up?" Chris and Sheva's radios buzzed. "I'll be there shortly just hang in there"

Chris continued jumping up and down on the axe handle, whereas Sheva began kicking the axe man up the backside.

"Take this, and this!" Sheva shouted.

"OOOOWWWW!" Cried the axe man, his sack mask slowly beginning to seep with his tears.

"Sorry to keep you waiting" the radio buzzed again.

"Yeah well you did" Chris answered.

"Shut up Chris, I'm gonna take out the door, find some cover!" Helicopter hero continued.

"Okay" Chris and Sheva said, Sheva rushed to hide behind a house whereas Chris ran to the door about to be blown up.

"Chris no!" Sheva shouted as she watched the helicopter fly overhead.

"I said take cover Chris!" Helicopter hero shouted.

"Oh just do it!" Chris shouted.

Helicopter hero came to the open door and got ready to bazooka the door. "WAHH!" he shouted as he flew out of the open door right into the door that needed to be opened.

"Good job Helicopter hero" Chris shouted.

"Chris he's dead!" Sheva shouted.

"Shh" Chris shushed her before rushing to the door.

_Hope you liked it :) _


	6. Chapter 6

Resident Fun 5

_Hurray Resident evil 5 fun waheyy!!!! R&R_

"Kirk we owe you one" Chris said as they watched Kirk blast the door open in an intelligent way (e.g. not coming to the door with high winds and instead blasting it with the helicopters missiles).

"You can thank me later" Kirk quipped.

"No" Sheva said sullenly.

"Man Hulk…partner of Man Hulk it's almost time for Alpha team to go in, hurry the fuck up to the deal coordinates" Kirk continued.

"Roger that" Chris nodded.

"I'm going on ahead; we'll meet up there, good luck!" Kirk said.

"God he went **on** and **on**" Chris moaned.

"That better not be a regular thing" Sheva said.

"What?" Chris asked.

"That. That me being known as the 'Man Hulks partner' that better have only been a one time thing" Sheva continued.

"Ah shaddup" Chris said. "I'm the main character you're just Sheva…that's all you are…Sheva"

Sheva sighed. "Lets just go through this door" she said pushing the door open.

………………………………………………………………………………………

As soon as they got through the door Chris's radio buzzed.

"Mathison, Captain Dechant here! Our route is blocked!"

"Kirk come in!"

"God I don't wanna hear their conversations!" Chris groaned before shutting the radio off.

"Chris! It sounded like they were in trouble!" Sheva shouted.

"Shush shush Shhhhh" Chris replied.

"Stop shushing…" Sheva tried to yell but Chris interrupted her with more shushes.

Chris banged into a house and picked up some ammo.

"Thank God for random ammo" he said grinning as he reloaded his handgun.

"Yeah why **is **it here? It's not like these Majini are using it" Sheva laughed.

"Sheva no!" Chris screamed, suddenly all of the ammo in the house disappeared in a poof of smoke. "Sheva you fool you never question the logic of video games!" Chris scolded her.

"Sorry" Sheva whispered.

"Just come on" Chris said sullenly before banging another door open to reveal a half broken ladder, Chris ran blindly out. "Argh the sun!" he screamed before banging into the bright red ladder.

"The ladders out maybe two people could get around that"

"Who said that!?" Chris screamed.

"Ssh Chris its just the on screen subtitles don't worry" Sheva consoled her hulk of a partner.

"Okay here we go, time to lift you up!" Chris said presenting his hands for Sheva to jump on to.

Sheva ran up to jump but just landed a fly kick into Chris's face.

"Aargh SHEVA!" Chris screamed.

"Look I can do it on my own then!" Sheva growled before jumping up and climbing the ladder by herself.

"Well **done** Sheva! Whose a good girl, whose a good girl" Chris encouraged.

"It's barred off! But there's a shiny thing behind it!" Sheva shouted.

"Quick jump down! We **must** get the shiny thing!" Chris demanded.

Sheva did and the both of them ran down an alley to see a woman feasting over a man.

"Eew are you…are you eating that man?" Chris asked.

The woman stood up and glared at them.

"And **what**!?" She demanded. "And **what** if I'm eating this man!?"

Chris and Sheva exchanged a glance then Chris shot the woman twice.

They scurried down the alley and a man came out to their left.

"Raa!" Chris shouted shooting the man.

Chris's radio buzzed again.

"We engaged the enemy! And…what the…that thing!?"

"God dammit I thought I shut that thing off!" Chris growled going to turn the radio off but Sheva stopped him.

"Chris no, this is getting juicy" Sheva scolded him.

"…In trouble…Need backup! Shit!"

"God he didn't need to call the backup shit, that's no way to get help" Chris shook his head.

"Help! Can't see…"

"Aww poor mans going blind and he doesn't know, poor deluded man" Chris shook his head solemnly.

"Captain what is your status? Can you see the enemy?" Kirk asked.

"Umm no duh" Chris and Sheva both said at the same time before looking at each other and bursting out in laughter.

"No, no! Wait! God damn monster!"

"Alpha team come in! Alpha team!?" Sheva asked.

"Dechant do you copy…Dechant!?" Chris copied Sheva with the repeating.

"How rude they're not answering" Sheva growled whilst shooting another Majini.

The two of them shot many more Majini before they reached another red ladder.

"Alley up!" Chris said throwing Sheva up.

"Argh!" Sheva screamed as she knocked her head against the wall.

"Hey I found the shiny!" Sheva shouted.

"What is it!?" Chris shouted.

"A key" Sheva answered.

"How do you know we need it!?" Chris asked.

"I don't!" Sheva answered as she jumped down besides him.

They ran up some stairs and reached a balcony.

"Don't tell me you wanna…" Sheva was cut off by Chris pushing her down onto the dusty ground.

"Argh Chris I think I've broken my leg!" Sheva wailed.

"Why don't you use a **herb**" Chris snorted.

Sheva stood and began limping towards Chris who was currently trying to whack a door open.

"Help I can't get this open!" He whined.

Sheva groaned and kicked the door open as well.

Suddenly a door opened and a blonde girl came rushing out.

"What a dog" Chris commented as they watched her rush out.

"Help! Somebody help me! Preferably white people as I'm racist!" She screamed.

Suddenly a Majini rushed out and grabbed the girl back in.

"You thinkin' maybe she deserves that?" Chris asked.

"You know I do" Sheva hissed.

"Heeeellppppp!" Screamed the girl as she was dragged in.

"Noooooooo!" Chris called back.

_Soon they will go and see this racist blonde bitch hurray!!!! R&R _


	7. Chapter 7

Resident Fun 5

_Will Chris and Sheva help the racist white girl? Well she's part of the plot so they better attempt it!!!_

"Ah well we better go help her" Chris sighed as he started making his way to the door the blonde racist had been dragged through.

"Why?" Sheva demanded.

"Because **Sheva** she's part of the plot and if we want this story -that all die hard resident evil fans love (ahaha)- to continue we need to go save her" Chris explained.

"Fine" Sheva sighed.

"Now!" Screamed Chris before running in, the blonde racist staggered towards him and fell into his arms.

"Hey what's wrong?" Chris asked.

"Ah GOD what are you made of? Rock!?" The racist girl cried before jumping off him.

"Shut the fuck up and fall back into my arms!" Chris hissed.

The racist girl groaned and fell back into his arms.

Sheva walked behind him.

"Sheva don't be a douche they may still be here" Chris said over his massive shoulder to her.

Sheva nodded.

"Anyway are you ok?" Chris asked of the blonde racist as her arm began crawling up his massive back, the racist girls hands dropped further down. "WOAH woah! C'mon man not cool, get your hands off me!" Chris squealed.

"Sorry" the blonde racist moaned before grabbing hard on his butt and unleashing her face into a squirming scary mess and attempting to French kiss the life out of him.

"Argh we just met!" Chris screamed.

"Chris!" Sheva shouted shooting the woman away from him.

"ARGH WHAT THE FUCK!? All women are insane!" Chris wailed.

The blonde racist wasn't dead though and she jumped away before looking up as menacingly as you can with a squid face.

She ran towards Chris again who screamed and ran behind Sheva.

Sheva shot the woman and killed her.

"God Sheva that's a little full on isn't it? I mean I know you love me and all but that's no reason to shoot every blonde racist that goes for me" Chris scolded her.

"Chris she was trying to kill you!" Sheva hissed.

"You can never let me dream can you?" Chris said hanging his head sadly.

"No time" Sheva said before shooting the Majini that had dragged the girl in.

"Sheva I don't think he was much of a threat to be quite honest, I mean he was drinking a cup of tea and watching TV" Chris noted.

"Yeah why'd you shoot me" wailed the Majini from the floor.

"No more TV for you!" Sheva declared shooting the TV before impaling the man on the floor.

"Sheva…you scare me" Chris admitted.

"No time" Sheva said before rushing out of a door to see lots of Majini running up the stairs.

"Mathison to HQ" Chris's radio buzzed **again**.

"Seriously how do this thing keep getting turned on!?" Chris complained.

"We've lost contact with Alpha team, they're under attack from unidentified hostile, reinforcements head towards the deal coordinates immediately!" The radio commanded.

"Stop telling us what to do!" Chris growled.

"Fine! I'll tell them die quietly!" The radio buzzed angrily.

"GOOD DO!" Chris shouted before shutting the radio off furiously. He turned to Sheva. "God they keep bugging us!" He screeched.

"No time" Sheva said before whacking a door open.

They entered into a musty corridor.

"AAAHHHHHHHH!"

Chris looked at Sheva.

"Why'd you scream for?" He questioned.

"Cuz…" Sheva trailed off.

Suddenly another scream went off from upstairs.

"What was that!?" Chris yelped.

"It came from upstairs" Sheva noted.

Chris and Sheva began scurrying up the stairs, black oily ooze was raining from the ceiling.

"What is this stuff?" Sheva asked.

Chris stood under it and let it cover him. "It smells" he commented.

"Chris that could be poisonous!" Sheva shouted.

"Tastes it" Chris agreed.

"Chris don't eat the ceiling slime!" Sheva scolded.

"Ohhhh" Chris moaned.

"No time" Sheva said before rushing to the top of the stairs to see a dead body.

"Dead body" Chris commented.

"He's dressed like a one man army. His wounds weren't made by bullets" Sheva agreed.

"One man army? Sheva where do you get this stuff from?" Chris laughed.

Sheva glowered at him and clambered up a ladder, Chris followed.

"Eew you pervert!" Sheva squealed.

"Stop **doing** that!" Chris complained.

They reached the top and advanced through a door.

"What the barnacles happened in here?" Chris exclaimed, as they came in to see many dead bodies, slime covering them.

One man was propped up against some sacks he moved slightly.

"Zombie!" Chris screamed shooting wildly, luckily all his shots missed. Sheva and the man stared at him in horror.

"Hey who did this?" Chris asked, not noticing the looks of utter horror at him.

"S…some…something…att…attacked….ussssss" the man coughed.

"What?" Chris asked.

"A…attacked" the man repeated.

"Huh?" Chris asked again.

"W…we…were attacked" the man said again.

"I can't understand what you're saying!" Chris shouted.

"WE WERE ATTACKED!" The man shouted.

"WHAT!?" Chris screamed back.

"Chris he said they were attacked" Sheva repeated for the man.

"Backstabber Mc stabberface…he…got away" the man continued after nodding thankfully at Sheva. "It was a setup"

"A set up?!" Chris repeated.

"A set up" the man nodded.

"Sheva it was a set up" Chris told Sheva.

"A set up!?" Sheva asked.

"A set up" the man nodded.

"Ah" Chris nodded.

The man handed Chris some data. "What's this?" Chris asked biting it.

Suddenly someone ran past the barred window, Sheva noticed and ran to the window.

"Its data regarding the deal, don't eat it" the man added the last part, as he watched Chris sprinkle the data with salt and pepper. "I downloaded them from their computer"

Sheva watched as she saw the rest of someone run around the corner.

"You gotta get it to HQ" the man coughed.

"So…you're a cyber thief?" Chris asked.

"…H…hu…huh?" The man coughed again.

"This data isn't yours you bastard!" Chris yelled before beating the man to death.

Sheva turned around and sighed as Chris stood up and began wiping his hands on his trousers.

"I saw someone but they ran away" She told him.

Chris ignored her and buzzed into his radio. "Kirk, do you copy? A cyber thief had the data but Alpha team are down but Backstabber Mc stabberface got away" He informed Kirk.

"Roger. Relay the data from the vehicle in the storage facility" Kirk commanded.

"What happened to please!?" Chris exclaimed.

Chris walked forward to look at Sheva, Sheva looked up at him.

"What?"

"Nothing this is for dramatic effect" Chris informed her.

_O.o what happens next??? _


	8. Chapter 8

Resident Fun 5

…_Yeah :\ I hope you enjoy this chapter :)_

"Lets gooooo!" Shouted Chris.

"I don't like the looks of this, but we have to keep moving" Sheva said.

Chris turned to her. "Why?"

"Huh?"

"Why do we have to keep moving? Why don't we just turn back and run away and send the army in?" Chris questioned.

"Don't be silly Chris" Sheva laughed, before turning away and looking shifty eyed. _Because I killed them __**all**_ she cackled silently in her mind.

Chris didn't notice and continued walking.

He smacked a door open that lead into another musty corridor.

Eventually he got to an elevator, Sheva joined him there.

"Lets go" Sheva said running in.

"Oh God Sheva it only goes down" Chris worried.

"So what?" Sheva growled, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Everyone who's ever played Resident evil before knows that if an elevator only goes down then a boss is up next" Chris squealed.

"Ah shat it!" Sheva shrieked before hauling Chris into the elevator with her.

"Sheva no!" Chris screamed attempting to get out but the doors were already shutting. "No Sheva, no, no!" he screamed again before dropping to the floor and rocking himself.

The elevator delivered the partners in another musty area (how original).

Another body lay in front of the partners.

_Another body! Dammit! Are their no survivors!? _Chris thought.

"Another body! Dammit! Are their no survivors!?" Chris said.

Sheva led Chris down another hallway, at the end there was another dead body.

"Dear God was Alpha team like an army or something!?" Sheva exclaimed.

"I know right? Alpha team gets an army and we (Chris team) get **two** people, one of whom is Sheva therefore useless!" Chris agreed.

Sheva glowered at him then ran into a small room with a furnace taking up nearly half of it.

"Furnace" Chris noted.

"This guy's got the furnace key on him for some reason!" Sheva shouted, kneeling over another dead body.

"Sheva stop looting dead bodies!" Chris scolded her.

"Sorry" Sheva said, before quickly snatching the dead body's wallet.

"Well there's nothing else of interest in here, lets leave this place with no more distractions and get out safely" Chris decided.

"Sounds like a plan" Sheva nodded.

Chris and Sheva ran back out into the area with the door where they'd seen the first dead body.

"Oki coke, lets get going" Chris said getting the key out of his pocket.

"Why are you being so slow in putting it in!?" Sheva demanded.

"Shh" Chris replied before continuing his slow hand movement towards the door. Suddenly he heard a slimy sound. "What's that!?" Chris screeched pointing at the mass of chocolate ice cream on the ceiling.

Sheva turned too. "What the hell is that thing!?" She shouted.

The chocolate ice cream dropped down and slid its way towards the dead body before the partners.

Sheva and Chris watched horrified as the chocolaty goodness slimed through the eye sockets and ears and every other available hole (ooer!).

"I think that's what got Alpha team!" Chris shouted as they watched the chocolate ice cream man rise up menacingly.

Sheva stared at him ironically but he didn't notice.

The thing stretched its chocolate hand out and Sheva and Chris were forced to jump out of the way.

They began backing their way back to the furnace area (or the boss area).

_Ooer first boss O.o I hope you enjoyed that. _


	9. Chapter 9

Resident Fun 5

_Since the other chapter was so short I decided to update quickly. _

"Fall back!" Sheva screamed running past Chris.

"**You** fall back!" Chris retorted before running after his petit partner.

The Chocolate Ice cream man chased after them.

"Quick aim at one of those explodey gas thingies for when the choco man comes in!" Sheva instructed.

"This is team Chris, Sheva! Team Chris! Now stop telling me what to do!" Chris screamed.

"Chris move!" Sheva shouted as the chocolate ice cream man neared him. "I'm gonna have to shoot!" She screamed before shooting the gas thing and causing fire to erupt on Chris and the chocolate ice cream man.

"I'm melting! I'm melting!" Squealed the ice cream man.

"So am I! So am I!" Chris agreed.

"Chris no you're not!" Sheva shouted. "Run!"

Chris looked up then ran to another gas thing.

The chocolate man started becoming sliming towards him, Chris backed away then shot the gas thing near them both.

"I'm evaporating! I'm evaporating!" The chocolate ice cream man screamed as he evaporated.

"So am I! So am I!" Chris agreed.

"Chris no you're not!" Sheva shouted. "Run!"

"I'm condensing! I'm condensing!" Shouted the chocolate man dragging himself towards Chris.

"Eek a condensing chocolate ice cream man!" Chris shouted before running into the furnace.

"Good idea Chris, we'll kill it while it's in there!" Sheva shouted running to the control station.

"Woah, woah, you're going to risk burning me alive just to **see** I repeat **see** if burning the chocolate man in a furnace will work?" Chris asked stopping dead in his tracks.

"Yes!" Sheva shouted back.

"Ok now I'm turning it on!"

"No Sheva, it's not in here!" Chris shouted.

"Where is it then?" Sheva asked.

"I dunno" Chris said ducking out of the furnace.

"Aargh Chris its here!" Sheva squealed.

"Run Sheva, go round and go into the furnace, it'll follow you!" Chris suggested.

"Ok" Sheva agreed before running around the other side of the fence. "The doors not opened yet!" She screamed.

"That's alright!" Chris choked as the chocolate man held him up.

"Chris!" Sheva screamed attempting to shoot the chocolate man off of Chris but the bullet simply went through the slimey mess that was the chocolate man and narrowly missed Chris.

"I have a plan!" Chris shouted before punching the chocolate man into the furnace that had just finished opening. "It's in!" Chris yelled before turning the key in the furnace switch.

"Why is it closing so slowly!?" Chris exclaimed.

"Because you're wedging me in the door and blocking it!" Sheva hissed.

"Oh sorry" Chris shook his head. "Murderous instincts"

Chris pulled Sheva out and the door began closing. "Heeelllpppp meeee" croaked the chocolate man.

"I'm coming!" Chris shouted running to the door and attempting to wrench the door open.

"Chris no he's the bad guy!" Sheva explained.

"But he sounded so pathetic" Chris moped as they watched the chocolate man burn in the furnace.

Sheva sniffed. "Urgh burnt chocolate, I hate that smell"

"I know right?" Chris agreed.

The furnace opened and Chris ran in.

"This thing was responsible for the deaths of Alpha team. We need to report this to HQ" Sheva decided.

"Oh my god!" Chris yelped from inside the furnace.

"WHAT!?" Sheva yelled running in.

"This shitty little thing didn't even leave us anything!" Chris growled.

"Chris never do that to me again" Sheva gasped.

"Haha Sheva loves Chris, Sheva loves Chris" Chris sang, skipping out, Sheva sighed and shuffled out after the skipping Man hulk.

"Now to go through the door we could have easily gone through beforehand" Chris announced holding up the tiny key and opening the door.

_Not very funny I'm not proud of this chapter tbh, but I hope you enjoyed it :\ _


	10. Chapter 10

Resident Fun 5

_Chris and Sheva have just defeated the choco man, what will be their next victim…I mean obstacle in their path? _

The door opened to reveal a dimly lit corridor, Chris advanced forward, Sheva in tow.

"Hey look more free ammo!" Chris shouted in delight as they rounded a corner to see a metal suitcase holding lots of handgun ammo, Sheva quickly reloaded then watched as Chris began reloading his first lot of handgun ammo.

"Isn't it weird that there's handgun ammo randomly here?" Sheva asked smirking.

Her plan had the desired effect, all of the handgun ammo Chris had been holding or fumbling to put into his gun disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Sheva!" Chris wailed. "Never. Question. Video game. Logic!"

Sheva grinned then ran down the end of the corridor past a dead body to an elevator, Chris joined her there.

"Oh thank God it only goes up, that means no boss Sheva!" Chris laughed.

Sheva glared at him. "Stop telling me useless facts" she hissed.

"Ah the young people" Chris sighed shaking his head as the elevator flew up.

The elevator brought them to their desired destination (no not Ibiza!) the storage facility with the vehicle necessary to relay the data.

"Hmm funny" Chris said scratching his head.

"What?" Sheva asked.

"I don't know why but it just never occurred to me that the vehicle would be the wiener mobile" Chris shrugged as he made his way towards it.

Up in the corner of the room unbeknownst to Chris and Sheva a camera was watching them (it's like being in the girl's locker room all over again!). Backstabber Mc stabberface smiled smugly to himself as he watched the two agents doing cartwheels in the camera picture.

"Hmm that ones a fine piece of ass" he said to the masked woman who was seated at the steering wheel, jabbing at the laptop screen with a sticky finger.

"God is that really your voice!?" The masked woman demanded turning to look at her accomplice; Backstabber Mc stabberface was silent, staring at her aghast so she leaned over to look at the 'fine piece of ass'.

"Yes she is pretty" she agreed. _Maybe __**too**__ pretty_ she thought to herself.

"What you talkin' about that woman for? I'm talking about him!" Backstabber Mc stabberface cackled jabbing the laptop screen again.

The masked woman stared at him, anger obvious even through her mask. "You will not **touch** him or even go **near** him" she said dangerously…quietly. "Ok?"

Backstabber Mc stabberface nodded quietly before taking a quick screenshot of the agents doing their cartwheels. "Let's go" he said.

The masked woman nodded and set off at full speed. "God I can't see anything with this mask on!" She complained before ramming the car head on into a wall.

Flames engulfed the car and Backstabber Mc stabberface and the masked woman were silent.

"That's the third one this week, Wesker's gonna kill you" Backstabber Mc stabberface piped up after a while…

_Meanwhile_ Chris peered into the wiener mobile's window as Sheva did cartwheels in the background. He spotted the laptop lying on one of the meaty seats.

"I got it" He informed Sheva.

Sheva stopped mid cartwheel and nodded in approvement before continuing her cartwheel.

"What was that thing?" Sheva asked jumping up and dusting herself down as Chris started writing a story on Microsoft word.

"A I.M.T (Ice cream monster thing) that scum bag Backstabber Mc stabberface left behind to set us up" Chris answered. "Considering what it did to Alpha team…I think it just proves how awesome we are"

"If only we coulda gotten there soonah" Sheva said suddenly adopting a southern belle accent.

"Stupid uninformed Sheva, if we had got their sooner we would have died too" Chris chuckled.

"Not necessarily" argued Sheva. "If we could beat it by ourselves, just imagine how easily we could have trashed it if Alpha team where with us"

Chris clutched his earpiece and began speaking.

"Man hulk to HQ, do you copy?" He asked.

"This HQ and no we do **not** copy! Everything we do is done by ourselves and don't go claiming that it isn't!" Sheva and Chris exchanged a look of confusion. "Anyway" radioman continued. "Excellent work out there, especially you Chris. We'll analyse the data immediately"

"This whole towns gone down hell, it used to be such a **nice** place" Chris told HQ. "The people here they're acting like those Ganado detailed in the Floppy Fringe Poser Stupid Idiot report"

"Do you mean the Kennedy report?" Sheva suggested.

"Shh Sheva important people are speaking, anyway aside from that there's something new, something we've never encountered before" Chris continued.

"Ooh ooh tell them our transportation has been taken out too!" Sheva squealed leaning over Chris's shoulder (as much as she could).

Chris nodded. "Our transportation has been taken out too" he repeated.

"Requesting a mission update" Sheva whispered.

"Requesting a mission update" Chris said.

"Um…your…your transportation? Well I dunno how we'll get you outta there then…hmm how about you mission stands? You've still gotta catch Backstabber Mc stabberface" HQ suggested. "Thank you Derek" Chris and Sheva heard a ruffling of papers before HQ man continued. "We believe he may have fled to the mines on the other side of the train station"

"Wait we're the only two left -though we have the power of three because of me-, you want us to go in there alone!?" Chris shouted.

"No…no!" HQ argued. "Delta team have been dispatched and are on their way and they'll help you catch Backstabber Mc stabberface"

"But wait, I can't be arsed!" Sheva shouted.

"I **said** your mission stands!" HQ yelled back. "We can't afford to let him go; now fucking get to the mines beyond the station before I kick you there!"

"This is so stupid!" Sheva shouted kicking a can.

"You ever get the feeling your expendable?" Chris asked.

Sheva turned to him wide eyed. "No I hadn't until you said that!" She shrieked. "Why am I?!"

Chris stared at her taken aback. "Umm…no…no of course not" he comforted her.

"NO! I'M NOT, EVERYONE NEEDS ME!" Sheva screamed at the top of her voice.

"Hey! Hey Sheva guess what!?" Chris smiled, trying to distract her.

"WHAT!?" Sheva shrieked.

"We've just completed the chapter! Time for champagne!!!" Chris declared popping a bottle of champagne open.

_O.o they've completed the first chapter hurray!! _


	11. Chapter 11

Resident Fun 5

_So Chris and Sheva have to keep on at the mission even though they're the only ones there!!! R&R Friendlings. _

"We can't let Backstabber Mc Stabberface get away, we have to get to the station" Sheva said.

"Woah, when did you get so behind the whole catching Backstabber Mc Stabberface thing?" Chris questioned.

"Chris it's our duty" Sheva sighed.

"Shut up Sheva I already knew that!" Chris retorted before leaping up onto one of the big boxes lining the sides of the storage facility. "Look gold!" He shouted jumping to another one.

Sheva looked around on the ground floor then suddenly noticed a silver suitcase she looked up at Chris to see he had noticed it too; he looked down at her then glared.

"No Sheva it's mine!" He shouted before jumping down, he rushed towards the weapons cache but Sheva was already there loading the machine gun that had been inside.

"But I want it!" Chris whined.

"No" Sheva replied before slotting it into a placement on her back.

"Fine" Growled Chris before rushing to the door and smacking it open moodily.

The sharp smell of the sea hit Chris's and Sheva noses as they walked into the sunlight.

"The seaaaaaa!" Chris squealed ripping his clothes off as he rushed to the sea.

"Chris! Stop!" Sheva shouted.

Chris turned. "Wwhhhhyyyyyy?" He moaned.

"God Chris put your clothes on!" Sheva winced.

"You know you love it" Chris laughed, posing.

"Chris for goodness sake put your clothes on and stop acting like a child!" Sheva screeched.

Chris sighed and started pulling himself into his clothes. "You're no fun Sheva" he said.

"No Chris I am fun just not in an environment where we could quite easily be attacked at any second" Sheva retorted.

"Still no fun" Chris mumbled.

"Shut up" Sheva replied before running into the start of what looked like a maze of boxes. "Crap" She whispered as she noticed a wire bomb set across two of the boxes.

"Haha Sheva I'm beating you!" Chris called as he ran past Sheva straight into the bomb. "Argh!" He screamed flying back.

"Chris you idiot!" Sheva hissed as a man came rushing towards them.

"Ow" moaned Chris from the floor, the man was caught off guard and he tripped over the man hulk crushing his head against one of the boxes and dying.

Sheva looked up and saw a man arming his bow with a flaming arrow. "Chris watch out!" Sheva shouted but it was irrelevant the man accidentally lit fire and came crashing to the earth next to them. "Never mind!" Sheva called.

"Good" Chris called smacking another man in the face.

The partners walked forward into the maze of boxes. "Dogs! Watch out!" Sheva shouted as a pair of dogs jumped out at them.

"Aww look at their wittle noses!" Chris squealed.

"Chris that ones jumping at you!" Sheva shouted.

"Aww!!!" Chris exclaimed stretching his arms out to hug the dog, the dog landed on him knocking him over and savaging him. "Argh Whiskers no!" Chris screamed.

"Whiskers!?" Sheva questioned as she shot at a mutant headed dog that was advancing slowly towards them.

"Yep" Chris affirmed jumping up. "That one's Whiskers and that ones Gnasher"

"You **named** them!?" Sheva shouted in disbelief.

"Yep" Chris agreed.

"But Chris we're gonna have to kill them!" Sheva explained.

"**Kill** Whiskers and Gnasher? Never!" Chris screamed.

"Yes!" Sheva argued before shooting Gnasher dead.

"Gnasher!" Chris wailed.

"Chris they're random mutant dogs, how could you possibly care for them!?" Sheva asked before shooting Whiskers into the special doggy place in the sky.

"Sheva you absolute bitch!" Chris yelled, suddenly a flaming arrow hit him in the arm.

Sheva shot the man then ran to Chris. "Are you hurt?!" She asked.

Chris turned his arm around to check it; a flaming arrow was stuck in there deep. "What do you think?" He asked.

"Oh God Chris!" Sheva yelped before producing a herb from her bag.

"No! No herbs! Look its fine see" Chris said loudly.

"Chris c'mon I just need to rub this over the wound, you'll be fine" Sheva assured him.

"No!" Chris shouted childishly before dodging out of the way.

"Chris!" Sheva growled.

"Noooooo!" Chris wailed before yanking the arrow out. "OOOOWWWW!" He screamed.

"Chris you complete idiot!" Sheva hissed.

"Shut up its fine" Chris said wincing as he reloaded his gun. "C'mon"

Chris and Sheva ran down another alleyway made of boxes before climbing up a ladder, Chris crawled up first and Sheva advanced after him.

"Eww you pervert" Chris yelped.

Sheva rolled her eyes as Chris pulled himself onto the top of the box.

Chris and Sheva advanced forward and jumped down to a shadowy area, three more dogs greeted them.

"Whiskers, Gnasher… Geraldine!" Chris shouted joyously.

Sheva glowered at him.

"Man Hulk?" A growly voice questioned.

Chris turned to see a big fat Majini.

"The Abomination!" Chris yelled before hurling himself at the big man Majini.

They both hit the floor with thump, leaving Sheva to deal with the dogs.

"Die my mortal enemy!" Chris yelled punching The Abomination hard in the face.

"Chris help!" Sheva yelped as a dog began mauling her.

"Gosh I can't right now Sheva, dealing with my mortal enemy" Chris called back.

He landed one final punch on the big man Majini (or The Abomination) and it exploded.

"Yesh!" Chris cackled before kicking Gnasher off of Sheva. "No Gnasher!" He yelled, Gnasher whimpered before running off.

"Thank you Chris" Sheva said hauling herself up.

"No problem" Chris said before running over to a large gate and smacking it open with his fist, Sheva joined him at the opening.

"How did you do that?" Sheva asked in awe.

"I'm the Man Hulk Sheva" Chris answered.

"Oh yeah" Sheva nodded.

The partners reached a broken bridge.

"Jump over Sheva" Chris said nodding at the gap.

"Why me? You just said you're the Man Hulk!" Sheva argued.

"Fine!" Chris retorted moodily before jumping over, suddenly a lorry came charging towards him.

"Chris!" Sheva squealed.

"How'd he know I was here, was there a wire or…?" Chris asked aloud looking around on the floor as the lorry came closer.

"Maybe a camera???" Chris suggested.

"Chris run!" Sheva yelled.

"Huh?" Chris asked turning to look at Sheva; the lorry was right behind him.

"Chrrriiisss!" Sheva shouted closing her eyes, there was a smash and Sheva opened her eyes, Chris's fist was wedged into the lorry crushing the front of it.

"Ah Chris thank God!" Sheva gasped before jumping over to join him.

"I told you not to let him drive!"

Sheva and Chris looked around the truck to see two Majini arguing.

"How was I to know he'd drank vodka this morning, I mean who does that!?" The other Majini yelled back.

"He's known for it!" The first Majini retorted as he abstendmindly armed his bow.

"Ow!" Sheva complained as the bow struck her thigh.

"RRAAAAAA I'M SO PUMPED!" Chris yelled running over to all the Majini and smacked them to death.

"Chris what ever happened to guns?!" Sheva asked as they walked down some steps leading to what looked like a sewer.

"Sheva shooting is for wimps" Chris declared.

Suddenly dogs ran out of the darkness at them.

"More dogs? That's disappointing" Chris groaned before shooting all of the dogs quickly to death.

"Why didn't you have a problem shooting them?" Sheva questioned as they both shot the second horde of dogs to death.

"None of **my** dogs hang around in dirty sewers" Chris said.

"They weren't **your** dogs" Sheva argued.

"Shush Sheva" Chris shushed her.

The cave lead to sunlight, dead bodies littered the ground.

"Psst Sheva check out that guy pretending to be dead" Chris snickered, nudging Sheva and pointing at a Majini close to a locked door.

_They think I'm dead_ The Majini thought slyly to himself.

Suddenly a bullet hit the Majini in the stomach. He jumped up and screamed in pain as a bat like thing flew out of his head.

"Eew what a fugly bat!" Chris squeaked.

Sheva shot the bat like parasite around a one hundred times. "I hate bats!" She squealed.

Chris jumped up and brought the bat crashing to the ground with him.

They advanced to the door and Chris shot the lock off.

They climbed up a ladder through the darkness and then light hit their eyes again.

"Boy the producers were right the light really does blind you" Chris said.

"Chris…shut up" Sheva trailed off.

_That's it for this chapter, quite long :) you agree? R&R friendlings _


	12. Chapter 12

Resident Fun 5

_So they're at the docks :) yeah…ahem_

_Oh yeah thank you everyone so far for your reviews, your all awesome to the max (y) _

"Hey what do ya think? Do ya think we'll have to go through that gate?" Chris asked, nudging Sheva and pointing to a large gate with the ocean behind it, a man stood behind it glaring at them.

"Maybe that man will let us through?" Sheva suggested.

Chris turned to look at her. "Sheva if all the other mad men attacked us what in the world makes you think this guy won't?"

"I dunno" Sheva shrugged.

"Stupid" Chris said.

"AAHHHH!"

Chris and Sheva turned to see lots of Majini running away.

"Haha look at them…just running away" Chris said smugly.

Sheva ran up to the largest house in the area with a big green door she shot the lock off smartly and went to run in Chris pushed her back though and ran in himself to see a man hanging from the ceiling (dead obviously).

"Urgh gross" Chris grimaced.

"He has a shiny!" Sheva said urgently.

"Oh yeah!" Chris laughed. "What complete and utter **loser** takes the time to put some keys on a dead guy's chest?"

A Majini watching them scowled. _I took ages jumping up trying to get that on him!_ He thought angrily, he tried to charge but a fellow Majini held him back.

"No" He whispered. "He will meet his fate, and he will die at your hand, but not yet"

The first Majini nodded solemnly.

Meanwhile Sheva shot the keys off the man's chest.

"Mine!" Shouted Chris darting forward and grabbing the keys.

Suddenly someone outside shouted something in African.

"Ooh they've got a score to settle with you" Sheva giggled.

"Huh?" Chris said standing up.

"Somebody just shouted: DIE CHRIS DIE!" Sheva explained.

"Lil ol' me?" Chris asked a bemused expression across his face.

"Chris in no way shape or form are you little" Sheva replied.

"Yeah that's what she said!" Chris cackled.

Sheva glared at him.

"…anyway why are they attacking now? As soon as I pick the key up? I swear they have cameras that tell them these things!" He complained.

SMASH

Chris and Sheva turned to see a Majini smashing a window in order to get in, Chris went to shoot but another Majini had grabbed the first one.

"Gary what the hell!? There was no need to break my window!" He shouted.

"Sorry" Said Gary meekly.

"God you always go too far!" The other one yelled.

Chris and Sheva looked at each other and nodded before shooting the two Majini dead.

"I'm back Chris"

Chris knew without looking it was The Abomination his mortal enemy (Big Man Majini).

"RAAAA!" He shouted flying through the air to kill The Abomination but Sheva was quicker throwing a grenade and exploding The Abomination while Chris was still in the sky, Chris fell to the ground with a THUMP and curled into a ball, sucking his thumb.

"Chris!" Sheva hissed kicking him as she shot some Majini away. "Chris get up!"

"Way to take my masculinity away Sheva" Chris whined back.

"As if you ever had any!" Sheva argued.

"Yeah that's what she said…" Chris mumbled.

Suddenly a Majini tumbled over Chris and died. "Eew it touched me!" Chris shrieked before jumping up and shooting the remaining Majini dead.

The two partners ran to the gate and unlocked it, the Majini behind it squealed in horror and jumped into the ocean, Sheva went to jump after it but Chris stopped her shaking his head. "He needs to make his own way in the world Sheva" He stated.

Sheva gave him a weird look but he didn't notice.

They advanced through the docks and reached a ladder, Chris and Sheva pulled themselves up and hid behind the wall.

"How many?" Sheva whispered.

"I'll check" Chris said looking round the corner he turned back to her with an arrow in his eyes socket. "Not many really"

"Oh my God, Chris! You have an arrow in your eye socket!" Sheva screamed.

"Raa!" A Majini lurched round the corner, Chris and Sheva turned to look at him.

"Gah! What the **fuck**!?" The Majini shrieked.

"What!?" Shouted a Majini in the distance.

"Tell Harold that when he thought he got one…" The Majini looked Chris up and down with horror etched on his face. "He sure did!"

There was silence for a second and Sheva and Chris looked at eachother, suddenly another Majini joined the first, holding a bow and arrow.

"Hey! I did get one!" He laughed happily.

"Yeah you did" Chris growled yanking the arrow out of his eye. "And now I've got you!"

"Lame" Sheva commented.

Chris punched the Majini's and they went flying backwards barrelling into the Majini behind the gates. Chris roared and heaved up a house and lobbed it at all the Majini that were flooding out of the house.

"HULK SMASH!" He roared before bringing his fists down onto the floor, the whole world shook.

_Meanwhile_

Claire looked up from her book.

"Ow" She said.

_Back with Chris and Sheva_

Suddenly the helicopter appeared.

"HQ said you needed…" Kirk stopped. "Um….you don't need air support do you?"

Chris was breathing heavily. "Wow I didn't know HQ actually cared" He growled sarcastically.

"Hey…shut up!" Kirk shouted.

Chris and Sheva advanced forward to a red door.

"Stay frosty down there, you're almost at the station" Kirk advised.

"Who **says** stuff like that!?" Chris questioned.

"Your mum!" Kirk yelled.

"…No…yours" Chris said as he and Sheva pushed the door open…

_So they're at the train station hurray!!! R&R luvums :)_


	13. Chapter 13

Resident Fun 5

_They're almost at the train station! O.o Time sure fly's when you're writing crap :3 _

Sheva and Chris emerged in an area with a large house.

Chris opened a door and then ventured into a house.

Suddenly four Majini threw themselves at them, Chris shot them all dead then ran out of the house.

Sheva stopped him. "Chris are you all right? Your not talking much" She asked worriedly.

"I'm fine" Chris sighed.

"Are you sure?" Sheva murmured.

"…Sheva?"

Sheva nodded walking forward.

"Am I…Am I ugly?"

"What!?" Sheva yelped.

"Am I…"

Suddenly Chris was interrupted by Kirk.

"What the fuck are those!? Mathison to HQ! I'm under attack by flying I.M.T's!"

Suddenly some of the flying bats flew towards Sheva and Chris who both easily shot them.

"God is he really having that much trouble with those things?" Sheva questioned.

"I know" Chris laughed.

"I'm losing engine power **actually**!" Kirk retorted. "Oh shit! I'm outta control!"

"Jesus Christ Kirk calm down!" Chris yelled.

"Shut **up** Chris I'm fucking crashing GOSH!" Kirk screamed.

"Don't shout at me!" Chris hissed.

"I'm going down! Mayday Mayday!" Kirk screeched.

"It's May Day? Hurray!!! Lets dance around the maypole!" Chris laughed, beginning to…well dance around the maypole.

"Chris stop that!" Sheva commanded, Chris hung his head and he and the Majini that had been dancing with him shuffled away from the pole.

"Kirk what's going on now you whiney bastard!?" Chris shouted, there was no answer. "Come in Kirk!" Chris and Sheva exchanged a look. "Kirk what the fuck? Stop being so moody!" Chris roared before punching a wall into dust.

"Look Chris there's no need to get angry I think Kirk's in trouble" Sheva soothed him.

As if on cue the radio was polluted with Kirk's screams.

Chris sighed. "God he's so whiney" he huffed before throwing Sheva up a ladder onto a rooftop.

"Jesus Christ there's **loads** of ammo up here!" Sheva shouted, suddenly a door across from her opened and a sleepy Majini came out.

"Do you mind not shouting? I had a very late night last ni…" Sheva shot him dead.

"This is HQ. The helicopter has been downed"

"Which one of the HQ personnel is that? Is that you Barry?" Chris grinned.

"No it's Derek, Barry was fired yesterday, anyway all nearby units report to the crash site immediately" Derek said plainly.

"Barry!? Fired for what!" Chris shouted.

"Stealing office supplies" Derek replied. "Repeat all nearby units proceed to the crash site"

"Well that's us out" Chris said winking at Sheva. "We're no way near the 'crash site'"

"Shut up" Derek said. "Yes you are"

"No! No we're not!" Chris retorted.

"Go there or I'll send Leon instead of you" Derek said.

"But Leon doesn't work for the…" Sheva began.

"NO! No not Leon we're going! We're going!" Chris shrieked.

"I thought so" Derek replied smugly.

Chris went running up the path that led to the house the Majini had came out of shooting many of them dead.

Sheva jumped down after collecting all the ammo and joined him in the house many Majini were proceeding towards them holding their weapons in a deadly way…Chris and Sheva shot them.

Chris ran round the corner to see a Majini on the toilet.

"Oh GOD! Oh God man I'm sorry!" Chris shouted.

"Oh great, toilet jokes!" The Majini sighed. "I'll stop these before they begin just for the reader's sake!" Then he put his head down the toilet and drowned himself.

"O…k" Chris said before turning around and running up the stairs, three Majini threw themselves at him but Chris told them he was in a long term relationship so they backed off…no not really he shot them all.

They reached the top of the building to see a 'jumpable' length between a house across the way and the house they were on, Chris looked at Sheva.

"Oh no. **No** Chris I'm fed up of jumping everywhere it's killing my ankles!" Sheva complained.

"Oh I'm sorry I was under the impression that I was the leader" Chris said before picking Sheva up and throwing her over.

Sheva landed head first on the concrete before turning round and glowering at where Chris had been, but he had already gone downstairs in order to help her with rifle support, Sheva sighed and jumped down immediately many Majini started flooding up the stairs.

"Gang rape!" Shouted the leader in a jovial manner, Chris shot his head off.

Sheva quickly dealt with the rest of them before running down the stairs to the other house, Chris was there waiting at the gates.

"Argh Sheva, Majini behind you!" He yelped.

Sheva turned to see no one there she turned back to Chris to see him grinning widely.

"Joke" He squeaked excitedly.

Sheva growled to herself before shooting the lock off the door and releasing Chris.

"Aah" Chris breathed in the African air. "Now to run without a hiccup up those stairs and away"

The two partners proceeded to do this but just as they got to about the lets say twelfth step they were greeted by a horrible sight a man with a bag wrapped around his head holding a chainsaw, only one hole to show his eye.

He started revving his chainsaw.

"We get it, you've got a chainsaw!" Chris called from the other side of the gate.

The man stopped revving the chainsaw and glared at him. "It impresses all the other Majini" he said.

"Yes I'm sure it does" Chris sighed.

The chainsaw man screamed and chainsawed through the lock on the gate.

"Overkill" Sheva commented.

"Eek he's so close!" Chris screamed as the man kicked the gates open, before running away, loads of Majini began jumping over the fences and other places surrounding them, Chris ran into a good position to shoot a barrel and waited, the chainsaw man ran at the barrel and Chris shot it.

"Hah no one can survive that!" He exclaimed, the dust cleared and chainsaw man was running at him.

"What the hell!?" Chris yelped before running off a Majini ran into him and Chris punched him out of the way. "God it would be a lot easier if it weren't for these stupid little henchmen!"

"Shut up!" A henchmen shouted.

"No! Just because you're a bum chum with chainsaw man!" Chris retorted.

Suddenly Sheva came running past them. "I shot him about a million times!" She declared. "He's made of lead or something, I fucking swear it!"

"Haha Sheva swore" Chris giggled, chainsaw man rounded the corner and Chris and Sheva found themselves cornered.

"Chris what do we do?" Sheva squealed.

Chris stepped forward. "We do what we do best Sheva…"

"Pose dramatically?" Sheva suggested.

"No…well ok we do what we do second best Sheva, we question video game logic"

Sheva gasped dramatically.

The chainsaw man stopped and stared at them. "Huh?"

"How do you breath with no air holes?" Chris questioned.

The chainsaw man cocked his head.

"Yeah I presume that bag is on your head pretty tight, so you can't be breathing out of that 'eye hole' and you've got a rope tied around you neck to tighten it" Sheva agreed.

"Argh!" chainsaw man screamed clutching his head.

"Why don't you die after we shoot you about a million times?" Chris asked.

"Yeah it should at least slow you down!" Sheva piped up.

"Stop it!" Chainsaw man groaned.

"And I personally think that your too small to hold that chainsaw up for so long" Chris argued.

"I am!" Chainsaw man wailed.

While he was distracted Chris yanked the chainsaw off of him.

"Uh?" Chainsaw man looked up dazed to see Chris standing over him.

Chris brought the chainsaw down on the man, the man's wails filled the sky.

"Done" Chris said with a flourish, he was covered in blood but it was worth it, just to see the C he had carved into the man's chest.

"That looks like an E" Sheva commented.

"Urgh!" Chris complained throwing the chainsaw onto the floor with a bang.

"He has a shiny" Sheva nodded at the dead body.

Chris put his hand up the mans bag and found that he'd been biting a key all along.

"What kinda…weirdo does that?" Chris asked wrinkling his nose at the key.

"Lets go" Sheva said leading Chris up the stairs.

Rounding a corner they opened the door with the key and a treasure chest met their eyes.

"Treasure!" Chris squealed excitedly before gathering it all in his arms. "My arms are tired" He said shoving it down Sheva's top.

"Chris!" Sheva complained.

"**Chris**!" Chris mimicked.

They turned and found another door.

"Lets go" Sheva said.

"**Lets go**" Chris mimicked.

_So that's that chapter, I felt slightly pressured to make chainsaw man funny but he wasn't very so… umm yeah :3 _


	14. Chapter 14

Resident Fun 5

_I update fast, annoying isn't it? So Sheva and Christopher dearest have beaten chainsaw man by questioning video game logic :3… lets continue shall we?_

Sheva and Chris walked through the door to see a desolate looking place, large gates barred them off from what looked like burning tires, and crows flew around in the sky.

"So I just told Heather if you don't want to make the commitment just say" One crow said.

"Hey look Sheva crows! Maybe they'll inexplicably have ammo!" Chris shouted before shooting the crow down.

"Stewart!" Yelped the crow as he watched his dearest friend fall to the floor.

Chris and Sheva watched as the crow fell, it landed way beyond a fence in the opposite direction of where they had to go.

"God I was way off" Chris said.

"Over there!" Sheva said pointing at the large gate with the burning…something behind it.

Chris rushed toward the gate and smashed it open.

Chris and Sheva rushed toward the smouldering mess that had been Kirk's helicopter.

"Oh my God…" Sheva whispered.

Chris turned to her tears falling down his cheeks.

"Aww Chris come here" Sheva said enveloping her partner in a hug.

"I…never…to…told him I lo…loved him" Chris hiccupped.

"There, there I'm sure he knew" Sheva comforted.

Chris nodded then he and Sheva broke apart, Chris wiped his tears of his cheek and snuffled.

Suddenly a rumbling noise filled the air and the crows above them started calling out alarm calls.

"Shit!" Shouted one.

"Fucking run!" Screamed another.

Chris and Sheva turned to look at each other confused then turned looking for the source of the rumbling noise.

Suddenly a motorbike flew out from behind Chris, a Majini astride it cracking a chain like a whip before him.

"A! A!" Chris screamed throwing Sheva out of the way, the chain caught him by his ankle and snagged causing Chris to be dragged off by the motorbike, Sheva jumped to her feet and aimed at the chain.

After a few seconds of hesitation she shot breaking the chain and releasing Chris.

She rushed over to him and helped him up. "Why did you hesitate for so long!?" Chris yelled.

"I was weighing up the options…you know considering if I wanted you alive any longer" Sheva shrugged.

Chris stared at her in horror.

The Majini on the motorbike did a quick turn and showed his tentacle mouth at them in anger.

Suddenly another motorbike man flew over the fence.

"Argh another one!" Chris squealed.

This one drove towards them and as he drove past stuck his finger up at them and showed his tentacle mouth.

The yet another one came over.

"Argh another one…again!" Chris yelped.

The two most recent ones drove towards them doing tricks, one of them started driving backwards.

"Ooh" Chris and Sheva said.

The other one did a handstand on the motorbike while driving with his teeth.

"Aahh" Chris and Sheva said.

The two tricksters drove towards Sheva and Chris forcing them to dodge.

The two landed on the ground with a bump.

"Ow" Chris said.

Suddenly one of the Majini driving towards them was shot he fell of the motorbike, Chris looked around to see who was stealing his limelight.

Another Majini was shot off his motorbike.

_What the __**fuck**__!? _Chris thought.

Another Majini fell to the secret sniper, this Majini fell on to the ground rolling and another Majini who hadn't noticed drove over him causing him to fly into the air onto a conveniently placed sharp piece of helicopter rubble.

Suddenly many BSSA units ran in (BSSA NOT BSAA!!!!).

One of the Majini drove towards Sheva but he was shot dead also.

Another Majini drove towards Chris and Chris shot it. _Finally_! He thought, grinning like a loon.

The remaining Majini drove towards Sheva but for dramatic purposes Sheva's gun wasn't working!

"Argh!" Sheva hissed smacking the gun.

"There's no point hitting it Sheva" Chris scolded as the motorbike man rushed towards her.

Thankfully Josh shot it.

"That was so close! Why didn't anyone shoot him earlier!?" Sheva demanded.

This caused a murmur of replies such as. "I dunno" "I thought he had it" and "Shut up Sheva"

The BSSA units lead by Josh proceeded to encircle Chris and Sheva.

"Creepy" Chris commented.

Josh led them into the house nearby.

"Man am I glad to see you guys" Chris said.

"Delta team, Captain Stone" Josh introduced himself.

"Chris Redfield, Man Hulk to my friends and to my enemies…death" Chris introduced himself.

Josh turned to look at Sheva. "Bitch" He nodded.

Sheva shook this insult off and smiled up at Josh. "Thanks Josh, I owe you one"

"You guys…know each other?" Chris growled glaring at Josh.

"I trained under Josh" Sheva said.

"Except she never ever went under me" Josh said sadly.

"He taught me everything I know" Sheva continued.

"Everything except love in the bedroom" Josh sighed he turned to Chris. "Sheva was like the little sister of the team…and according to her incest is wrong"

"Josh I told you, you're just not my type" Sheva hissed.

"Well what is your type!? Steroid abusing monkey men!?" Josh screamed.

Chris and Sheva stared at him in horror, Josh calmed down and looked intently at Sheva.

"Now Sheva you must continue your search for Backstabber Mc Stabberface"

"I believe you mean **my** search" Chris put in.

"…No" Said Josh. "Anyway according to the data we retrieved from the hard drive we believe he has moved on to the mining area, there's more information inside"

Chris snatched the data off of Josh and began nibbling it.

"We'll follow after taking care of business here" Josh continued.

"What business is there to take care of?" Sheva asked. "Everything's been dealt with"

Josh looked shifty eyed. "We…we need to retrieve something from that bird Chris shot down" he lied.

"Oh okay well that won't take too long so you'll be with us within an hour right?" Sheva asked.

"…right" Josh nodded. "Anyway keep your radio handy just in case"

"Oki cokeums" Sheva nodded.

While Chris watched them lonely in the background.

Josh nodded then he and his team left the building.

Chris glowered after him then put the data into his Iphone.

Suddenly a picture came up…of a blonde haired woman Chris stared at it transfixed.

"What is it Chris?" Sheva asked.

"The tits on this woman" Chris said pointing at the picture. "And the picture next to it is…Jill"

_Flashback_

It was a typically stormy night at the mansion.

Chris and Jill (who was wearing a strange hat for some strange reason) booted open the large oak door.

Wesker was there standing over the body of a dead man.

Chris remembered Wesker using the force to choke Jill then force pushing her into a book case.

He remembered Wesker force choking him.

He remembered Jill hurtling at Wesker and the both of them…flying…twirling into the dark mouth of hell….or it could of just been a long fall…yeah it probably wasn't hell.

He remembered staring out of the window reaching for his fallen partner tears of laughter running down his face (a cat had just fallen outside too and it made him laugh).

_End flashback. _

"Chris! Pay attention to me!" Sheva whined.

Chris turned to her. "This picture it's…ah forget it, it's nothing"

"Fine I don't care" Sheva said.

And with that they had completed the second chapter…

_Hope you liked it :) R&R _


	15. Chapter 15

Resident Fun 5

_Chris and Sheva have completed the second chapter on the…umm yeah on the 14__th__ chapter :3 _

"Sheva do you know where the mines are?" Chris questioned.

"For fucks sake you're so needy! It's past the station not too far from here, so for once you're gonna have to follow me" Sheva sighed.

"No way" retorted Chris. "I'll lead"

"But Chris you don't know where to go!" Sheva growled.

"Ah shaddit!" Chris laughed with a wave of his hand before smacking a door open to reveal what looked like broken down trains.

The partners ran around the first train only to be met by many dogs, two of which were very big.

"Argh how big are those motherfuckers!?" Chris squealed.

Sheva sighed and shot all of the dogs quickly and swiftly, then because she felt she was on a roll she ran as fast as she could…straight into a wire bomb.

"Argh!" She screamed falling back.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!" Chris burst out laughing.

Sheva jumped up and glowered at him only to be flattened by another dog.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Chris laughed again.

Sheva growled insults under her breath and shot the dogs dead.

Chris rushed past her and….straight into a wire bomb.

"BWWAHHA…." Sheva stopped as soon as Chris turned to glare at her.

Sheva coughed then jumped up onto one of the trains she shot the three Majini stationed there then jumped over to another train, then she jumped down onto a mine cart which started moving straight away…right into a wire bomb, Chris who had been watching burst into laughter, Sheva was blown straight out of the cart and onto the floor, Chris ran to her laughing.

"So…FFing…funny!" He gasped.

Sheva glowered at him then shot the remaining wire bomb.

The two of them ran to the elevator that the cart had ended up on.

"Chris…it goes down" Sheva whimpered.

"…So?" Chris looked up at her dumbly.

"So…doesn't that mean a boss is coming up???" Sheva asked.

Chris stared at her confused. "…Why…why would it mean that?" He questioned.

"But you sai…" Sheva took one look at Chris's blank expression and gave up. "It doesn't matter"

Sheva was aware of Chris looking at her as if she was a weirdo all the way down.

The elevator brought them down to the mines.

"Look a lantern!" Chris said picking it up.

"Do you want to give that to me?" Sheva said reaching for it.

"No" Chris said ducking out of the way.

"Fine!" Shouted Sheva stamping her foot.

Chris ran ahead with his lantern and was eventually greeted by a Majini. "Sheva!" Chris shrieked.

Sheva ran up and began shooting.

"Hey look Sheva, dark! Light! Dark! Light!" Chris said, putting his hand over the lantern and repeating.

Another Majini shouted in the darkness.

"I can't see!" Sheva screamed as a glass bottle hit her head.

"Raagh!" Chris said whacking the offending Majini in the head with a lantern.

"Thank you Chris" Sheva said.

"Sheva fancies Chris" Chris sang.

Eventually after stumbling through the darkness the partners found themselves at a gate that could clearly be wheeled up, Sheva began wheeling and Chris rushed through the gate.

"Sheva behind you!" Chris shouted.

Sheva turned to see three Majini swearing at her.

"How **rude**!" Sheva shouted.

"Oooh girl's getting cheeky!" Shouted one Majini.

Sheva glowered at them and shot them dead.

"Come on in" Chris shouted, Sheva turned to see the gate opened.

"Ok" Sheva affirmed rushing through after her partner.

As soon as they went through lots of Majini began flocking out to greet them.

"For FACKS sake!" Chris growled.

"Let's kick ass" Sheva said.

"Haha who do you think you are?" Chris laughed.

Sheva rolled her eyes and shot the first of the Majini.

_Hope you enjoyed this :) Eek I keep going to write Ganado how annoying? This wasn't very funny I know but I was distracted. _


	16. Chapter 16

Resident Fun 5

_Woo they're gonna totally OWN the Majini! …Ahem _

"Argh! Ouch!" Chris shrieked as thousands of firey arrows flew towards him, Sheva sighed as she watched Chris duck down and cower behind a box, grabbing her sniper off her back she aimed at the first Majini, she shot its head off, then followed suit with the others.

"Chris…It's done" Sheva sighed rolling her eyes.

"See Sheva? If you try you succeed!" Chris laughed.

"Urgh!" Sheva groaned before shooting a Majini that had been sneaking up behind Chris, suddenly one grabbed Sheva. "Argh Chris help!" She squealed.

"No, no let's see where he goes with this, I'll shoot off the oncoming Majini but seriously what is that guy gonna do? He's just holding you for the other Majini to get you but if I shoot them away…he can't do anything!" Chris explained laughing.

"Chris!" Sheva hissed.

"C'mo…" Chris glowered at her as she elbowed the man holding her in the face. "Sheva…" He stopped to shoot a Majini behind her. "Why can't you just let me be happy for once?"

Sheva glared at him before somersaulting a Majini away. "You're just so…" Sheva stopped and climbed up a ladder.

"Uh?" Chris said. "Just so what? Handsome? Brilliant? Cool? Ah well" Chris ran up after his partner.

Once Chris had joined Sheva the two rushed through an opening, Chris leapt up onto a ledge then turned to see Sheva attempting to get up too, she was struggling her legs floundering in the dust.

"Bwahahah!" Chris bent over double laughing at his partner; spit flew into Sheva's face, a disgusted look on her face she went to wipe it off only to lose her grip and fall onto the ground.

"BWAHAHAHAHA! Seriously Sheva you make this so easy!" Chris cackled.

Sheva made a hissing noise at him then proceeded to run and jump up onto the ledge before heaving herself up.

The partners rushed forward only to see Majini waiting for them, immediately some of them shot at them Chris was hit.

"OOOOOOOWWWWW!" He wailed.

Sheva shot the Majini dead before running up to an elevator.

"It goes up Chris" Sheva smiled sighing with relief.

Chris looked at her strangely. "O…k"

The elevator doors closed and brought them up to a sunny cliff area, a large house stood waiting, big stairs basically inviting the partners in.

The two of them walked up the stairs.

"One, two three" Sheva whispered under her breath and the two of them booted the door in.

Backstabber Mc Stabberface was there packing something into a suitcase. "Oh shit!" He squeaked.

Chris and Sheva looked at each other before bursting into frenzied laughter. "Bwahahah…is….is…tha…that really your vo…voi…voice!?" Chris gasped.

"Hey shut up!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface hissed.

Sheva wiped a tear away from her eye then raised her gun again. "So you must be Backstabber Mc Stabberface?" She said.

"Wow perceptive aren't cha?" Backstabber Mc Stabberface said grabbing a gun and pointing it at Chris then at Sheva then at Chris again…

"Shut up!" Chris shouted.

"Wow rude aren't cha?" Backstabber Mc Stabberface said.

"He said shut up!" Sheva yelled.

"Wow…" Backstabber Mc Stabberface stopped at the look Chris was giving him.

"You think this is a joke?" Sheva growled.

"No! No I never said that!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface yelped.

"It's true Sheva he didn't" Chris nodded.

Sheva rolled her eyes then shoved her gun at Backstabber Mc Stabberface.

"You're just like all the other pieces of poo terrorists!" She continued.

"Oh I'm not like them!..." Backstabber Mc Stabberface but he was interrupted by Sheva.

"Yes you are!" She screeched.

Backstabber Mc Stabberface looked at her to check she'd finished before continuing.

"I'm a business man with standards" He curtsied slightly, Sheva and Chris exchanged a disgusted look.

"Drop the weapon!" Chris demanded advancing forward.

"Or…How about you drop yours!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface suggested.

"Ok!" Chris whimpered backing behind Sheva.

"Chris show him your muscles" Sheva whispered.

Chris nodded before jumping forward and clenching his fists, Backstabber Mc Stabberface changed his gun from Chris to Sheva and back again, licking his dry lips.

Suddenly a smoke bomb flew in.

"Argh smoke bomb!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface shrieked.

Chris jumped dramatically to the floor.

Suddenly the bird masked woman crashed through the window. "Argh the pain!" She shrieked wrenching some glass out of her knee, she staggered towards Backstabber Mc Stabberface and grabbed him she pulled him towards the window. "Hurry" she coughed.

"What are you a douche?" Backstabber Mc Stabberface coughed.

The bird masked woman jumped onto the window ledge. "Suckers!" Her and Backstabber Mc Stabberface shouted before jumping out of the window, Chris and Sheva heard the faint. "Argh my leg, my fucking leg!" Well it wasn't faint at all actually the troublesome twosome where clearly still just under the window, Chris rushed over to the window just in time to see the bird masked woman and Backstabber Mc Stabberface jumping down the giant crater.

"Now what part of that makes sense?" He moaned.

"Looks like Backstabber Mc Stabberface has a partner" Sheva sighed.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Thanks for that Sheva I didn't work that out on my own!" He strode towards the table that Irving had been shuffling around at. "There must be something here other than the porn that he wanted us to see" he declared.

"What is it?" Sheva asked walking over to join him.

"Look at this" Chris said showing Sheva a porn mag.

"Not my type" Sheva said.

"Whatever floats your boat" Chris shrugged. "Now look at **this**" he said showing Sheva a map.

Pictures of what looked like an oil rig was shoved up Sheva's nose, the map was circled with the words 'TEST CASE' written in spidery writing.

"The oil field…that's in the marshlands" Sheva announced.

Chris didn't answer he simply looked dramatically upwards.

_Hope you liked it, barely any action and it felt haphazard to me, if you read review but if you don't read don't review…:3 _


	17. Chapter 17

Resident Fun 5

_Backstabber Mc Stabberface has got away again?! Why didn't they just shoot him in the leg and cripple him?...I dunno :\ _

"Delta team, Chris here. We located Backstabber Mc Stabberface but through no fault of mine he got away"

"Do you know where he went?" Josh replied.

"He jumped down a giant crater but we think he's heading for an oil field in the marshlands" Chris informed him.

"Ok, I'm sending someone after him now. I need you two to head back this way"

"Mhmm" Chris said shooting a man who was manning a machine gun on a car. "Ok, ok I hear you but…no we're not turning around"

"Buh…" Chris turned off the radio cutting Josh off.

The partners rushed down the stairs and into the harsh sunlight.

The two of them hurried up a red ladder.

Lots of Majini ran towards them.

"Urgh Majini they bore me so much" Chris groaned rolling his eyes.

"Well fine then!" The Majini huffed before jumping off the cliff.

Chris and Sheva leapt down another ladder and rushed up the road.

"Here half a broken ladder! Which means that only you can go up it!" Chris shouted.

"Yeah…that makes no sense" Sheva said rolling her eyes as she leapt up the ladder.

Chris ran up around a corner and rushed up a hill.

"Haha Chris watch this" Sheva said as Chris ran up behind her.

Chris watched as a Majini lit a dynamite stick and blew himself up.

"BWAAHAHAHAHAH!" Chris burst out laughing at the Majini. "Owned!" He shouted.

Another Majini chucked a dynamite stick and Sheva and Chris backed away but the same Majini that had chucked it ran into the stick blowing himself up, Chris and Sheva started crying with laughter.

"R…r…retards!" Chris gasped.

The partners finished watching Majini blowing themselves up then ran up to a large blue crate.

"I get the feeling we should push this" Chris said.

"…Yeah me too" Sheva agreed, they pushed the box down and ran over to an opening in the fence.

"Argh I think I've broken my ankles! No one can survive that!" Chris screamed.

"C…C'mon" Sheva groaned limping towards the cut scene.

Suddenly and randomly thousands of bats flew up into the sky.

"Eek bats they get caught in long hair!" Chris squealed tossing his long brown wig around.

"Chris give that!" Sheva hissed yanking the wig and throwing it over the side of the cliff.

Suddenly a van came rumbling around the corner a drunk Majini at the wheel.

"I am the lordsh of the dance said *hic* he!" He sang. "Aw crap I'm goin' overesh!" he hiccupped before turning the van on its side.

Chris began advancing forward Sheva grabbed his strong arm. "Stop doing that!" She scolded.

"Stop doing what?" Chris asked turning to her.

"Running forward to something that is clearly trouble" Sheva growled.

"Ah you worry to much" Chris guffawed.

Suddenly the back of the van opened.

A gigantic bat thing roared out of the back of the van.

"Oh not it's a giant bat insect!" Sheva yelped.

"What are you blind? It's a bat crab thing!" Chris shouted back.

"I thinksh you'll findsh itsh a bat centipede" the drunk Majini slurred from the tipped over front.

The bat thing roared again and crawled over onto the top of the van it roared at Chris and Sheva.

It flew up high into the sky and started following the two of them.

"I don't know what that thing is…" Sheva began.

"Bat crab" Chris interjected.

"But I'm sure Backstabber Mc Stabberface is responsible" Sheva finished.

The creature landed with a crash on the floor.

"Proximity bomb!" Sheva shouted before putting it down right in front of the things face.

The thing walked over it.

"Tard" Chris commented.

"Quick shoot it's gross bit!" Sheva shouted running around the back and shooting it's gross bit.

Chris threw an incendiary grenade at the thing.

"I'm on fire!" Sheva screamed, she ran past Chris screaming only stopping to pick up a proximity bomb. "Mine" She said before running into a green shed.

"It's coming for you Sheva!" Chris shouted.

The bat crab flew towards Sheva and made a jab at her, Sheva dodged but the shed collapsed on her.

"Sheva!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Chris screamed.

Sheva jumped up and picked up a piece of the shed. "HIIIYA!" She said thwacking it into the bat things face, the thing looked dazed then roared at her, Chris ran at it and punched it in it's gross bit, the thing squealed and bit its lip tears running from its eyes.

It took to the air crying in pain it came swinging back in but Chris shot it once, twice, three times.

"Cool" Sheva commented.

The thing went flying straight into the van.

"Ow" Said the drunk Majini.

The van began falling off the cliff, the thing tried to crawl up it but it was steadily losing out on van to hold on to.

"NOOOOOO!" Cried to drunk Majini as he began falling as well.

"I'll be baaaacckkk!" Shouted the bat thing.

"How could it come back?" Chris asked Sheva.

"It has wings" Sheva said.

Chris looked at her dumbly for a second. "…Oh" He said nodding like he understood.

They heard the explosion of the van made even bigger because of all the alcohol the Majini had taken in.

"Car!" Chris yelled turning and shooting at it.

"Hey stop it!" Shouted a BSSA agent.

Chris shot ten more times before stopping. "Oh you want me to stop?" Chris said.

The BSSA agent popped his head up after a while. "Chris! Sheva! Get in!" He called.

Chris and Sheva leapt on. "What no seatbelts? How cheap" Chris sighed.

The car took off and the chapter ended.

_Hurray another chapter is ended on the 17__th__ chapter O.o _


	18. Chapter 18

Resident Fun 5

_Yo dey is on de car so there!!! _

"I heard about Backstabber Mc Stabberface, tough break"

Sheva restrained Chris from leaping onto the BSSA agent. "Yes but there will be other opportunities" She assured him.

"…No" mumbled the agent.

"Sheva to headquarters" Sheva said finally letting go of Chris.

"This is headquarters. What's your situation" HQ replied.

"See with me it's HQ but because you're so far up your own arse its headquarters" Chris hissed.

Sheva ignored him.

"There's a high probability that Backstabber Mc Stabberface is on his way to an oil field in the marshlands" Sheva informed HQ. "We're rejoining Delta team and heading there now"

"….No! Oi you don't do anything without my permission! Ask! Ask if you can go first!" HQ demanded angrily.

"Bu…" Sheva began.

"No! ASK!" HQ hissed.

"…Ok….can we….can we go to the marshlands please?" Sheva asked.

"…Yes" HQ huffed.

Sheva turned and looked at Chris.

"Coward" he hissed.

Suddenly motorbike riding Majini leapt off a hill and crashed and died.

"That was weird" Chris laughed.

But there were more Majini behind them coming from other places where they wouldn't die straight away.

"AH! We got company!" Chris squealed.

"They don't let up do they?" Sheva smiled.

"Why did you say that so happily, that's a **bad **thing Sheva a **bad** thing" Chris said.

Sheva blinked at him.

"Man the guns!" Chris shouted scrambling over Sheva and onto a gun, Sheva manned the mini gun.

"Do what you gotta do to stop 'em!" The BSSA agent shouted.

"We were **gonna**!" Chris yelled back.

"But don't get too trigger happy or the guns'll over heat. If that happens they'll need some time to cool down" The BSSA agent continued.

"Haha they sound like they're your pets" Chris giggled.

"Raa we're the motorbike Majini!" Shouted a motorbike riding Majini near the front of the pack.

Sheva shot him, Chris and Sheva began getting trigger happy and the guns overheated.

"Oh no! We got too trigger happy and the gun's overheated and now we have to give them time to cool down!" Wailed Sheva.

"Idiots I told you that'd happen!" The BSSA unit yelled.

"RAAAA!" Shouted a Majini throwing a bottle at them but he fell off the motorbike straight after.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!" Chris laughed.

Sheva's gun cooled down and she began shooting the Majini again.

"We've got some sharp curves up ahead! Hold on tight!" The agent shouted.

"To what!?" Screamed Chris before bouncing right out of the truck and on to a motorbike, he was sitting on the lap of a Majini.

"ARGH SHEVA HELP!" He shrieked.

Sheva focused her gun on the motorbike and shot the wheel causing it to buck and causing Chris to come smashing into her.

"Ah my nose!" Sheva screamed clutching her broken nose.

"Here!" Chris said punching her nose again, it went normal again.

"ARGH…um oh thanks Chris" Sheva grinned.

"This is Captain Stone. Delta team"

"We know!" Chris rolled his eyes.

"Chris shut up; anyway I just received an order from HQ, based on the data you uploaded from the hard drive"

"What data?" Chris asked.

"What hard drive?" Sheva asked.

"You know the…oh never mind, most of the townspeople have been infected by an ice cream known as Las Plagas, the data refers to the people as Majini" Josh said.

"Don't care, what has all this got to do with that Uroboros thing mentioned in the first chapter?" Chris requested.

"Ah you got me the data doesn't say" Josh laughed and Chris and Sheva laughed along too.

"Looks like the only way we're getting answers is from Backstabber Mc Stabberface" Chris sighed.

Josh didn't answer.

"How rude!" Chris shouted shooting more motorbike riding Majini.

"It's gonna get bumpy hang on!" The BSSA agent shouted.

"TO WHAT!?" Chris screamed before flying out into the sky and landing with a bump back into the car.

Suddenly a lorry came up to the side of the them.

"Whoo honk your horn!" The Majini in the back shouted.

"OH NO HORNY MAJINI!" Chris screeched.

"Kill them all!" Sheva shouted shooting them all.

The lorry exploded.

Suddenly Chris and Sheva were set on fire.

"Ha that won't even scratch the paint" The BSSA agent laughed.

"Argh what the fuck man?!" Chris shouted at him.

"We got some sharp curves up ahead hold on tight!" The agent shouted.

"NOOOO!" Chris wailed grabbing onto Sheva's hair.

"We're under attack!" Josh screamed. "There's too many of them to handle!"

"I bet **I** could handle them" Chris mumbled.

"Reinforcements are on the way butt munch hold your position until they arrive do you here me Mr. Stone?! HOLD YOUR POSITION!" Screamed HQ.

"Obviously Mary's manning the radio today" Chris whispered to Sheva.

Sheva laughed nodding. "She's menstrual" she giggled.

"Lets pick up the pppaaaaaaaaceeeeee!" Laughed the agent speeding at light speed.

"What the! There's no getting past that unless I drive around it!" The BSSA agent shouted as they came up against a blockade.

"Do that then!" Chris shouted.

"K!" The agent giggled driving around it.

"You said they'd never be able to get around that!" One Majini shouted at another.

"I'M SORRY!" The other whimpered.

Suddenly a lorry came up to the side of Chris and Sheva.

"He's trying to ram us into the river!" The agent shouted.

"But there's no river there!" Sheva shouted.

"…Kill them!" The BSSA agent shouted back.

Sheva and Chris destroyed the lorry.

Suddenly more Majini riding motorbikes came up at the side.

"Kill them!" Sheva shouted.

"No Sheva they're the cut scene Majini!" Chris shouted as their car jumped in slow motion over the bridge and the Majini were forced to stop on the other side, Gunter the Majini didn't manage to stop though and went falling into the river the other Majini burst out laughing.

"Oh very funny everyone laugh at Gunter" Gunter said sarcastically. "It's not funny you know guys"

"Hey did anyone notice we're jumping in slow motion?" Sheva asked as the car continued its slow motion leap.

Chris lit a cigarette and lay back. "Just let it all in Sheva" He sighed.

"Chris you don't smoke!" Sheva shouted.

"Oh yeah! Yeuch, urgh!" Chris said dropping the cigarette.

"Hey got anymore ciggies?" The agent asked from the front.

"Got gum" Chris offered.

Finally the car finished its leap to a chorus of cheers from the agents inside it.

The car drove into a housing area.

Dead bodies littered the floor.

"Don't they clean up around here?" Chris tutted.

"What could of done this?" Sheva asked.

"An oogly boogly" Chris answered, Sheva glowered at him. "What!?" He demanded.

The car came to a stop.

The agent that had been driving rushed out over to his life partner's dead body.

Suddenly a large thump sounded.

"Chris is that you? I told you to stop stomping!" Sheva scolded.

"Not me this time!" Chris shrugged; suddenly a car flew through the air. "Look out!" he shouted.

"AAAAHHH!" The agent screamed as a dirty foot came down on him.

A bearded El Gigante roared at them.

"Cave troll" Chris whispered.

"Bearded El Gigante" Sheva whimpered.

"Granddad Gigante" Chris said.

"The troll king" Sheva replied.

"The distinguished troll of the African embassy" Chris agreed.

"Your mum" Sheva said.

"**Your** dad!" Chris retorted.

The thing roared again.

"Ye shall not pass!" Chris shouted.

_Next chapter Chris and Sheva VS the El Gigante granddad!!!! _


	19. Chapter 19

Resident Fun 5

_Look in the sky, it's a cave troll! It's the troll king! Whatever it's big!!! _

_**Thanks to EvilMentalHamster for letting me use his parasite joke (i.e. He thought it up) **_

Sheva and Chris ran behind an upturned car clearly in the view of the Cave troll/ all the other names suggested for this ugly brute, but because it was a dipshit it didn't see them.

"It'll never find us here" Chris shouted loudly.

"Chris shh" Sheva hissed.

"WHAT!?" Chris yelled back.

Suddenly the truck was lifted off by Hulk Hogan. "There they are giant man!" He shouted pointing at the partners.

"Hulk why?" Chris whimpered.

The giant whacked Hulk Hogan away and roared at Chris and Sheva.

"There's no point in shouting we're not from around these parts!" Chris explained.

Suddenly the Ndesu (I.e. Big Cave troll) slammed it's fists down, Chris and Sheva ran underneath it, it farted just at they came out from under it.

"Ha!" Chris laughed.

"Chris this isn't a thing to be laughed at he killed Dave!" Sheva scolded.

"Who?" Chris asked cocking his head to the side and blinking.

"The guy who…who just drove us here? The guy who…"

Chris blinked again.

Sheva sighed. "The BSSA agent dude who drove us here"

"Ah you mean Mr. Snookums" Chris nodded.

Sheva stared at him lost for words.

"Look Sheva hurdle race!" Chris yelled before leaping over various times in order to get to the truck.

"Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!" He screamed before taking a deep breath. "Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!" He continued.

After the hurdle race had finished Chris turned and began shooting at the Ndesu with his crappy handgun.

"Get to the truck!" He yelled.

"Shut the fuck up!" Sheva screamed back.

The Ndesu brought its fists down but Chris dodged coolly.

"Wicked" Sheva grinned before jumping onto the truck making lots of meowing cat sounds of worry and manning the mini gun.

Chris leapt on to the truck and flopped by her feet like a fish until Sheva kicked him.

"Get on the gun Chris you fidiot!" She commanded.

"I WAS **GONNA**!" Chris screeched as he manned his gun.

"Take this you ugly barstard" Sheva shouted.

"Uh?" The Ndesu retracted staring at her, hurt.

"God Sheva no need to hurt the guy's feelings, he used to be a person too, and I personally think he looks very distinguished with his beard" Chris said, smiling up at the Ndesu.

The Ndesu gave him a watery smile then gave Sheva a reproachful look.

"Chris!" She hissed turning to look at her Hulk of a partner. "Stop undermining me in front of the Majini!"

"Well I'm sorry that I don't agree with your unorthodox ways of killing Majini! There's no need to call them fugly giant brutes before you kill them!" Chris yelled back.

"URGH!" Sheva shouted stomping her foot before starting her gun.

The Ndesu began stomping towards them grunting.

It brought its foot up to stomp on them but Chris and Sheva shot it so it stopped.

The Ndesu's head bobbed up and down as Sheva shot it, she sniggered to herself.

_Ugly barstard_ She thought to herself.

_Sheva!_ Chris warned through their mind link.

_WHAT THA FUUUCKKK!? _Sheva mind screamed.

Meanwhile two parasites burst out forth from the Ndesu.

"The boss says that if you don't stop this, this instant then we'll have to ask you to leave the establishment" They said in whiney not broken voices.

Chris and Sheva shot them until they exploded. "Ah! SUPERVISOR!!!" They yelped.

Chris and Sheva resumed shooting the Ndesu until it started writhing in pain suddenly a giant parasite burst forth from its back.

"Hey what's going on out here? I'm the boss and I feel I have the right to…ARGH! What the fuck! Stop shooting me! Argh! AHHH!" The boss screamed before falling back into the Ndesu's body.

More little parasites burst out. "The boss says he's calling the Industry managers, ARGH OUCH OOH!" It screamed as it burst.

Suddenly the big parasite came out again.

"Look we're trying to be civil but ARGH WHAT'S **WRONG **WITH YOU!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ARGH!" The boss burst.

The Ndesu screamed and fell to the floor roaring in pain.

"Take that you ugly bastard" Chris smirked.

Sheva stared at him in utter annoyance and disbelief, then she turned and looked at the dead bodies surrounding her she picked some dog tags up off the floor.

"How disgusting" Chris sneered.

"Where are you Josh?" She wondered aloud.

"Up your arse!?" Chris suggested.

"Shut up" Sheva replied.

Chris shrugged then suddenly went serious. "Sheva you kinda have to do this but…you can be a coward and back out" He assured her.

Sheva turned to look at him. "What about you?" She asked worriedly.

"Oh god yeah! What about me? Crikey nearly forgot about that, hah, yeah I wanna back out too but well I have a personal stake in this…you know save the Jill save the world and all that crap" Chris sighed rolling his eyes.

"A personal stake?" Sheva said confused. "Chris look around, we should both get the hell out of here, and back to my apartment!"

Chris shook his head. "The fangirls would never allow it…besides I'm not here just for the mission"

"What are you talking about? I'm sure there's plenty of ShevaXChris fans everywhere!" Sheva argued.

"Oh shut up this isn't about our forbidden love. A while back I received some Intel that my old partner Gary was still alive…also Jill might be alive too" Chris explained. "Well at first I didn't know what to think, but then I thought AWESOME so I've decided to save Jill like a kick ass cool dude"

Sheva looked around tears brimming in her eyes (it was a very heart breaking and touching moment). "That woman in the data file? Are you even sure it's the same person!?" She demanded.

"…Oh God you're right it might not be" Chris agreed taking his iphone out and looking at the data again. "No…no yeah that's her" he nodded tucking the phone into his back pocket then he began walking dramatically away.

"Wait!" Sheva shouted.

Chris stopped for a second but carried on walking.

_What the fuck? Is he just planning on leaving me here in this abandoned shit hole with a load of dead bodies!? _Sheva thought furiously to herself.

"Wait!" She repeated. "Ada wait! You're not leaving me here alone!" she said running to join Chris.

"Chris for fucks sake wait, you've been walking around this place for ages, the boats over there I told you!" Sheva complained after they went round in a circle for the third time.

"I don't have much time, I have to find her" Chris said turning and going in the direction Sheva had pointed to.

"I'm going with you!" Sheva said.

Chris rolled his eyes to himself then turned and looked at her shocked.

"I am the Queen of Africa so these are my people that are dying here" She explained.

"Are you sure about this?" Chris asked.

"Huh? Yeah I am the Queen yeah" Sheva nodded in affirmation.

"No, no about coming with me" Chris said. "Cuz like about a second ago you were ready to do the chicken dance of this country"

"Shut up Chris, I didn't want to be left in an abandoned parking lot with shit load of dead bodies" Sheva shouted.

"There are no more orders from here on in, it's just you me and this cockatoo I picked up a while back" Chris explained.

"COCKATOOOOOO" The cockatoo said.

"We're partners" Sheva said. "To the end, now lets get moving"

Chris stared at her. "I find myself being very attracted to you right now" he told her.

"Chris don't make this awkward" Sheva sighed.

"Can't help my manly needs" Chris said stretching his muscles as he jumped on to the random motorboat.

Sheva got on too and Chris started the boat and the chapter ended.

_I personally think this chapter was full of morals of how video game characters are forced to love people because of fans and all about discrimination…no I didn't I just wrote shit and hoped it'd be funny, thanks to all the reviewers so far I love you :3 _


	20. Chapter 20

Resident Fun 5

_I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Reviews make the world go round (but only the nicey nice ones or the constructive ones, every time you flame a puppy dies) O.o _

Sheva and Chris sped through the marshlands, huts stood tall out of the reeds either side of the water, the two of them had been sitting in an awkward silence for a straight hour now.

"What happened to…"

"What?" Chris said snapping out of his daydream at Sheva's voice.

"What happened to your partner?" Sheva repeated.

"Who Jill or Gary?" Chris asked.

"Jill" Sheva replied rolling her eyes.

"Oooh ok, sit down Sheva and I'll tell you the story" Chris began.

"I already am" Sheva said.

"It's an expression **Sheva**" Chris sighed. "Anyway Jill and I were pursuing a man named Albert Wesker aka Dickhead in disguise…I always forget this next part so I'll need a flashback to remind me"

_Flashback_

A gloomy castle stood precariously on the edge of a cliff the only light coming from the murky lamps and candles inside and the occasional flash of lighting that was plaguing the night.

_**Oh yeah ok I remember now! Wesker…he was a top official with Umbrella ella ella eh eh eh**_ _**and the leader of our S.T.A.R.S unit. **_

Jill and Chris approached a large oak door.

_**I met him again- after the Badger city incident- on Rockfort Island. Since then we'd been trying to track him down. Then a few years ago we got a letter from Wesker himself inviting us to a housewarming party at the house of Umbrella's founder Oswell E. Spencer. So we came bringing party snacks…of doom! **_

_Present_

"Awesome" Sheva grinned.

_Flashback_

Chris and Jill burst through the oak door, handguns first.

Wesker was stood by the window he turned and smiled welcomingly. "Hi guys you're the first ones here, do you just wanna sit down and…"

"Wesker!!" Chris shouted.

"What?" Wesker replied.

Chris shot like a madman.

"Argh! What the hell!?" Wesker shouted.

Jill joined in shooting.

"Jill…not you too!" Wesker whimpered.

The two continued shooting so Wesker began dodging like a maniac.

"Wow he's pretty cool isn't he?" Chris shouted over the gun shots to Jill who nodded in agreement.

Suddenly Wesker was in front of Chris he smacked his gun out of his hand then punched him hard in the jaw as Chris reacted Wesker disappeared then appeared on the other side of him in order to punch him in the stomach, winding Chris, Wesker smacked Chris's head upwards, Chris recoiled and fell back.

"Are you still shooting?" Wesker snarled as he dodged towards Jill.

He grabbed her by the neck and slammed her against the wall, Jill struggled as his hands tightened.

The lightning flashed and Chris appeared next to Wesker jabbing for him, Wesker danced out of the way Chris went to kick him and then to punch him but Wesker dodged the grabbed his fist before twirling him around and punching him again, Jill approached shooting again.

"For fucks sake! I knew I shouldn't of invited you!" Wesker growled. "Now…time for pointless gymnastics!" Wesker jumped in the air and twirled, it was a wonder none of the bullets hit him. "Whoohoo haha yeah yeah!" He laughed as Chris clapped in the background.

"Aw shit I'm out!" Jill squealed.

Wesker punched Chris.

"Ow!" Chris complained.

Jill rushed at Wesker with her knife, Wesker turned to her and smacked the knife out of her hands before smacking her away.

"Jill be careful with that knife it cost me loads!" Chris scolded.

Jill flew back into a bookcase.

"Argh!" She screamed as a copy of Twilight fell on her, she picked it up. "Ooh Edwards so dreamy" she sighed.

Chris punched at Wesker but Wesker grabbed his arm and elbowed him in the stomach.

"Argh! Stop…doing…that" Chris wheezed.

Wesker picked him up and slid him along a table.

"Whee!" Chris yelled.

He landed just in front of the window.

"Ow table burn" He said rubbing his arse.

"Urgh, Rosalie is such a bitch" Jill said throwing the book down, she looked up to see Wesker approaching her bum chum.

Wesker grabbed Chris and held him up high.

"Chris you have **changed** since I last saw you" He tutted, Jill realised what Wesker was planning on doing.

"No!" She screamed. "You'll never hurt this man I've just met!"

"Jill!" Chris choked. "It's me Chris!"

"Lets finish this" Wesker said.

Jill flew at Wesker and they both went crashing out of the window.

"You are so damn lucky that he didn't come flying out with us" Wesker said.

"I know right!?" Jill laughed.

Chris ran to the window a cat came running past him and flew out the window.

"BWAHHHAAHAHAH! Oh noo Jill, Bwahahah the…cat…the…cat…just flew right…out…JILLL!!!!!" Chris half cried half laughed.

_Present_

"Jill's body was never found and she was presumed dead" Chris sighed.

"And the cat?" Sheva requested.

"Died" Chris nodded solemnly. "Anyway the person I saw in the data looked like her…kinda. I…have to know if she's still alive"

"You two were close?" Sheva growled, scratching her palms.

"We were gay for each other" Chris agreed. "So then…"

"How about you ask me some questions?" Sheva suggested.

"**Fine**" Chris sighed rolling his eyes. "What about you? Why'd you join the BSSA?"

"My hamster was involved in an accident…" Sheva began. "Caused by a local pharmacy when I was young"

"Umbrella ella ella eh eh eh?" Chris nodded knowingly.

"…No" Sheva lied. "Okay yes, I only found out later that the 'accident' was to cover up the manufacturing of disgusting ice cream flavours"

_So bored_ Chris groaned in his head.

"They were using Africa for their market research. Disgusting ice cream flavours were responsible for the death of my hamster. And someone has to pay for this!" Sheva shouted.

"God! Sorry! It wasn't me you know!" Chris yelled back.

"…I'm sorry…I…I know" Sheva sighed.

"So you joined the BSSA" Chris said.

"Yes that is exactly what I just finished telling you. There's only so much one person can do even a superhero like you, Chris"

"I'm no superhero" Chris sighed.

"Yes you are you're the Man Hulk" Sheva argued.

"Oh…Oh yeah you're right, okay…anyway Sheva I can do anything, I'm awesome don't tell me there's only so much I can do" He argued. "Anyway we can end this"

"Then lets make a stand for our fallen brothers" Sheva announced.

Chris rolled his eyes. "…No **Sheva**. My brother didn't die it was my partner…and it was your hamster that died, do you understand?" Chris groaned.

Sheva sighed inwardly.

"Hang on" Chris said.

"To what!?" Sheva shrieked as they flew over a random ramp that quite often appear in African marshlands…

_Hope you liked it, not much action but shut up because you liked Charlottes web and there's no action in that you hypocrite!!! _


	21. Chapter 21

Resident Fun 5

_I've been dreading this chapter, it's just gonna be so hard to storyize I mean for God's sake it's just them flying around on a swamp like dragonflies for half and hour…I'll try to make this work but don't eat me if I can't O.o_

Sheva screamed as she shot 7 feet into the air because of impact, some how she managed to land back in the boat though right onto Chris's lap.

"Well…" She said her voice muffled. "This is awkward…"

"More like MANkward…cuz I'm man" Chris grinned to himself as Sheva sat up.

"That makes no sense Chris" She informed him, jumping up and dusting herself down.

"Hmm?" Chris said.

"That makes no…"

"Oh look! Tiny Island how cute!" Chris interrupted her before stopping the boat by a small island, surrounded by reeds; a large gate stood tall blocking the prospective path (which wasn't really a prospective path, I wonder what's behind there? Maybe it's the Resident evil 4 world!?...Spain basically).

Sheva and Chris leapt of the motorboat; a dead body greeted their eyes.

"For god's sake does no one other than us have common sense?!" Chris demanded.

"They're dropping like flies" Sheva agreed.

"Sheva, never and I mean **never** compare our fallen comrades to flies" Chris growled turning and walking towards her, Sheva began backing off, suddenly the back of her foot touched a rocky object, She picked it up.

"Hey Chris look" She said showing it to her partner.

"God Sheva your like a little kid in kindergarten" Chris sighed, he grabbed the slate off of her, two snake heads were carved onto it.

"What the hell does that mean!?" Chris groaned.

"Maybe we need to find more of…" Sheva began but she went silent and watched open mouthed as Chris chucked the slate into the water.

"…CHRIS WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! WE NEEDED IT!" She screamed.

"Stop SHOUTING at me!" Chris yelled back.

"Chris" Sheva growled calming herself down enough to stop herself from killing him. "Do you not realise how important that was? It's quite obvious it was a clue!"

"Eh, I won't do that on the day then" Chris sighed.

"What do you mean **the day**? This **is** the day! We're doomed!" Sheva wailed falling to her knees.

"Hey this BSSA bastard's got a schedule report!" Chris shouted as he wandered over to the body.

_Schedule report_

_Well basically Chris and Sheva we didn't get to Delta team in time. _

_But yeah one of their beacons was still going off so we like moved in to see if there were any survivors…_

_But anyway we couldn't find any survivors…then I died, so shut up! _

"God this guy's schedule report is like a teenage girl" Chris snickered.

"Well **your** like a retarded toddler on steroids!" Sheva shouted from the dusty ground.

"You know what Sheva? People have feelings and they can be hurt" Chris's voice cracked at the 'hurt' bit.

Sheva sighed. "I'm sorry Chris, it's…it's just stressful and I'm pretty sure that slate was our last hope"

Chris looked away.

Suddenly Sheva noticed a glowing thing on a tree nearby.

"Look Chris a brown beetle!" She enthused pointing at it; Chris sniffed and looked up, his eyes lit up with childish enthusiasm.

"Go get it!" Sheva gushed.

Chris rushed over to it and grabbed it his eyes shining.

"Look Sheva!" He squealed pointing at it.

Sheva nodded smiling.

_Retarded toddler on steroids he may be…but he's __**my**__ retarded toddler on steroids _she thought.

"Stop thinking affectionate things about me and get on the boat!"

Sheva turned shocked to see Chris already sitting on the boat tapping his foot impatiently.

"How'd you do tha…?"

"Man Hulk Sheva" Chris sighed.

"Oh yeah…I keep forgetting that" Sheva said before hopping onto the boat, Chris sped them off.

They arrived at another tiny island, a large door stood blocking their path, a hexagonal hole right in the middle, Sheva walked over to it and stroked the hole (ooer!).

"I bet this is where the slate pieces would have to have been put in…Chris I think this is the only way in" She sighed. "Shame we can't get in"

"What **loser** takes his time to split up a slate and throw the individual pieces on different tiny islands?" Chris demanded.

Sheva sighed.

"Come on Chris" She groaned getting onto the boat.

"Where are you going?" Chris asked.

"I dunno…just away from here, Chris I'm sorry but there's no way we're getting round it" Sheva said gently.

Chris rolled his eyes and punched the door open; Sheva stared at him wide eyed.

"How'd you…"

"Man Hulk"

"Oh yeah, Chris great job!" Sheva enthused running up to him. "Your awesome!"

"Awesome to the max?" Chris asked.

Sheva's face dropped. "Not quite"

"…Oh" Chris sighed.

"Come on partner, lets go!" Sheva grinned before banging the door open.

_I told you I didn't know what to do with this part of the marshlands! I know I'm sure you would of all liked to see Chris wrestling a crocodile…sorry :) Next chapter will be better I absolutely __**promise**__ you :) And to all those secret readers who don't review HAI and to those who are reviewing THANK YOU :)_


	22. Chapter 22

Resident Fun 5

_Yeah I couldn't be bothered to write out all that marshlands sorry :3 Hope you enjoy this chappy :)_

Sheva and Chris emerged on a small platform, the only way off it, it seemed was a dirty lake, Sheva jumped into it.

"Eww Sheva" Chris scolded.

"Come on, this way!" Sheva shouted.

Chris jumped into the murky water, dirty water filled his shoes.

"URGH!" He squealed.

The pair followed the stream and eventually it led them to some stairs, they rushed up them to see a small village type area clearly belonging to the natives.

"I don't like this it's too quiet" Chris whispered as they ran towards one of the shack like places, there were holes in the ground in front of them and a dead body sat, slumped against a pole that held up the structure, crows picking at it.

"Another dead body" Sheva noted nodding at the body.

Chris ran in. "Shiny!"

"Chris no!" Sheva shouted but it was too late, spikes erupted out of the holes either side of him and he was trapped.

"He's got a magnum!" Chris chortled.

"That's irrelevant Chris your stuck!" Sheva explained.

Chris wasn't listening he started loading the magnum.

Suddenly masked men appeared, circling Chris from above on the upper layer, they held firey arrows (well not literally held them, they were on the bow but you understood that anyway didn't you?)

Chris screamed as firey arrows rained down from the heavens.

"Chris shoot them!" Sheva shouted.

Chris complied and shot each of them, one fell down onto him.

"ARGH!" He screeched slapping him away.

Once all of them had been eradicated the spikes went down.

"Well done Christopher" Sheva congratulated him, ruffling his hair.

"Don't touch me Sheva" Chris said.

Suddenly in the background a distant 'WOOLOOLOO' was heard.

"That sounds like a battle cry!" Sheva squeaked.

Suddenly a giant Majini greeted their sights, his face was covered by what appeared to be a bullet proof mask and he was holding a **massive** mace made of human skulls.

"Wicked mace" Chris exclaimed.

Sheva gave him a look but he didn't notice.

"WOOLOOLOO!" The Majini shouted.

"ARGH BIG DADDY!" Chris screamed, finally appearing to understand what trouble they were in.

"And he doesn't look like he's alone" Sheva noted pointing at another giant Majini approaching slowly.

"Big mummy" Chris agreed.

Smaller Majini came rushing towards them.

"Let's go!" Chris yelped grabbing Sheva and hoisting her up onto his shoulder in a fireman's lift, he ran with her towards a hut and hoisted himself up onto a platform he kicked the ladder down.

"Haha they'll never be able to get up now!" He cackled, placing Sheva down.

The Big Mummy and Daddy leapt up onto the platform.

"That's against the rules!" Chris cried, before jumping back down.

Sheva leapt down to and rushed after her partner. "Stupid ugly Big Mummy" She hissed nurturing a cut the mace must have given her as she ran past.

"WOOLOOLOO!"

"Uhoh looks like Big Daddy didn't take to well to you insulting his wife" Chris whimpered turning to see the Big Daddy whacking everyone out of his way to get to them while Big Mummy cried in the background.

"Chris this is perfect! He's killing all of his men!" Sheva announced.

"Sheva you shouldn't of insulted his wife" Chris sighed.

"Your wife is an ugly smelly man woman!" Sheva shouted before running behind the Big Mummy.

The Big Daddy yelled a muffled cry of anger and jumped towards her bringing his mace to a crack onto the Big Mummy's head.

"Sheva! What are you doing!?" Chris demanded as Sheva ran back to join him leaving the Big Daddy to fall to his knees and cry, holding the Big Mummy's limp body in his hands.

"It was foolproof, I just had to make him angry and he was blinded by his…"

"Murderer!" Chris screamed before running away to press a button he'd seen earlier.

"For fucks sake" Sheva muttered under her breath before running across the bridge Chris had just lifted for her by pressing the button.

Once both of them were across they reached a cable car, they leapt on, Sheva rocked it a little.

"Don't Sheva" Chris whimpered.

Sheva grinned at him and started shaking the car madly as they began moving.

"SHEVA ARGH…SHEVA NOOOOO!" Chris squealed as the car shook crazily.

_This was __**not**__ a funny chapter, I'm sorry I dunno what's wrong with me O.o _


	23. Chapter 23

Resident Fun 5

_This story is falling drastically O.o BUT zomg I realised I could do a little croc wrestling in this one so don't worry!! YOU WILL SEE CHRIS WRESTLE A CROCODILE!! (Well not see but read, but you have imagination :) )_

_Thank you everyone for your reviews by the way, you know who you are, you awesome people :) _

The car delivered the partners to another hut like area, Chris sighed.

"This is getting **old**" He groaned.

The pair jumped off the cable car and advanced to a balcony just in time to see a horrible sight, a BSSA agent was hanging upside down over the water surrounding the huts; Majini to the side of him, suddenly a giant ass crocodile burst out of the water and heaved him down.

"OH SHIT GIANT ASS CROCODILE!" Chris yelped causing all the Majini to look up at him.

Sheva leapt down off the balcony while Chris got his sniper out, many Majini ran at Sheva.

"Chris I need your help!" She yelled as she fought some of them off.

"Ok!" Chris said before aiming and missing. "Oh crap" he cursed as Sheva battled a Majini with a spiky stick.

"Ah sheeeet!" Chris muttered to himself as he missed again.

"Chris!!!" Sheva yelled.

Chris aimed and hit one. "AH YEEAAHH WHO'S THE MASTER!?" He yelled.

"Chris! That guy wasn't near me trying to bite my throat out!" Sheva screamed as she watched a Majini ages away get shot down.

"Fuck this" Chris said before throwing the sniper down and jumping to Sheva's rescue, he started humming the Indiana Jones music. "Dudududooodudududududu!" He sang.

"Chris!" Sheva shouted again.

Chris whacked all the Majini away in a single punch.

"**Thank** you" Sheva sighed.

Once all the Majini had been eradicated the pair rushed up the walkway, a gap met them between them and the other side.

"What's the point of putting those gaps there?" Chris questioned. "Surely it only leads to more work for them?"

"Ah the weirdo's mind" Sheva sighed before leaping over, Chris joined her and they both jumped down the ladder…well Sheva jumped Chris went down the ladder way.

Suddenly a Majini on another other side kicked a large button; the bridge they needed to go over came up.

"Where'd they even get the technology or brains to work that!?" Chris complained.

Sheva shot the two Majini near the button and sighed. "Looks like someone'll have to get on that boat while the other person cranks that wheel if we want to get over to that button" she looked at Chris.

"K…you risk your life on the boat and I'll do the turning" Chris nodded.

"Exactly" Sheva beamed before climbing up a ladder and jumping over to the raft.

"Okay?!" Chris called.

"Yahoo!" Sheva answered.

Chris started cranking the wheel and Sheva slowly began drifting forward, almost immediately the giant crocodile leapt up.

"I is gonna eat yoooo!" It cackled but Sheva dodged out of the way.

"Fuck" It said as it retreated into the water.

All was silent for a moment then the crocodile reared its ugly head again.

"A NOMNOMNOM!" It screeched.

Sheva dodged easily again.

"**Shit**!" The croc cursed.

"Sheva I could swear your dodging **before** it even comes up" Chris stated.

Sheva looked around shifty eyed as she came level with Chris, the croc jumped up again, Sheva rolled but she rolled straight into the water.

"Sheva!!!" Chris screamed as he watched the croc swim towards her, without thinking he leapt into the water onto the animals back.

"Argh gets off meee!!!" The crocodile screamed.

Chris punched it, the crocodile snarled and punched him back.

"Chris!" Sheva yelped as she jumped onto the button area and kicked it hard. (Because for some reason the button had to be kicked). "Urgh I probably have athletes foot now" she sniffed in disgust.

Chris jumped onto the platform but the crocodile followed him, Chris turned and booted it in the face.

The couple (not **couple** but **couple** if you get me) rushed towards the bridge, but the crocodile was **still **following.

Chris turned and shot it in the face with a machine gun the crocodile continued after him.

"RAARGH!" Chris roared leaping onto it and punching it as hard as he could.

The croc managed a punch in Chris's ahem nether regions, Chris squeaked and held the delicate area. "Low blow" he squealed.

Sheva leapt at the croc and somersaulted it off the bridge. "Come on!" She yelled grabbing Chris's hand and pulling him over the bridge.

"It'll be back" Chris warned her as they lifted themselves up a ledge, Sheva didn't manage it though and fell onto her bum.

"BWAHAHAHA…" Chris began but then his face went white his eyes wide. "Sheva!!! Quick!" He screeched offering his hand.

"Why?" Sheva asked sceptically as she stood up and brushed herself down.

"THE CROC!" He screamed, he yanked Sheva up just as the crocodiles teeth snapped together, Chris lobbed a grenade down then ran with Sheva away.

"That should have done it. He'll never be able to recover from that" Sheva smiled.

"Never say never Sheva" Chris replied eyes dead ahead.

The two emerged out of the cave to see Tricell tents set up.

"Tricell. They're one of the companies betraying…I mean funding the BSSA and not the BSAA" Sheva whispered. "What are they doing here?"

"Hey Sheva look at the Tricell sign looks very like the a sign I've seen before…Umbrella Ella Ella eh eh eh's sign" Chris laughed. "How funny"

"Nothing worth investigating anyway" Sheva agreed.

The pair ran through the camp and the sight of a giant oil field met their eyes.

"Looks like we've arrived at the oil field" Sheva said.

"No duh dumbdumb" Chris sighed. "Is it like your job to state the obvious?"

Sheva glowered at him.

"Anyway Backstabber Mc Stabberface isn't getting away this time" Chris said.

"Actually I watched the walkthrough on Youtube…we don't get Backstabber Mc Stabberface here" Sheva disagreed.

"Ah shut up" Chris dismissed. "We'll get him now or my names Leon Scott Kennedy"

"I wish you **were** Leon" Sheva hissed.

"I'm the main character so shut up!" Chris yelled.

"Sorry…sorry" Sheva squealed eyes as wide as saucers.

"Fuck you" Chris replied before banging the door into the field open.

_Yes but where has the funniness gone? O.o _


	24. Chapter 24

Resident Fun 5

_Oil field! Chainsaw men! Chris and…SHEVA!? WHAAAA? _

The two emerged in what looked like a jungle gym of buildings; one large building in the middle had a wheel sticking out of it.

Suddenly Sheva noticed Backstabber Mc Stabberface walking casually up a staircase on the opposite side to them; fire came from all directions behind him, blocking Sheva and Chris from getting up there.

"Look its Backstabber Mc Stabberface!" She declared nudging Chris.

"Oh wow did he walk through that fire!? He's awesome!" Chris exclaimed.

"No Chris he didn't walk through the fire…what he **is** doing is getting away…so I guess I should start calling you Leon Scott Kennedy" Sheva stated smugly.

Chris growled at her and pushed her off the platform they'd emerged onto, she fell with a bump onto the dirty ground he leapt of the platform and landed on his small partner.

"Argh Chris!" Sheva shrieked.

Suddenly Majini shouts were heard from round the corner.

"Sheva you silly the Majini mofo's heard you!" Chris scolded.

The Majini ran around the corner.

"Look at that dickhead standing on his woman!" Shouted one.

"Does that arse not have any respect!?" Demanded another.

"BAD GUYS!" Chris shouted shotgunning them away.

Once this had been done Chris jumped off Sheva and picked her up. "Let's go" he said putting her in the fireman's lift again, he ran up a staircase with her flailing on his back, once up they were greeted by a ladder, Chris climbed up it and a red wheel greeted his eyes.

"Hey maybe if I spin this the whole oil field will move!" Chris shouted turning the wheel.

The pair watched as some flames disappeared from behind them sadly not in the way they needed to go, suddenly three Majini rushed out from behind two large boxes.

"We weren't doing anything!" One of them shouted.

"Yes you were you were smoking I could smell it!" Sheva argued.

"All of you go to bed without supper!" Chris declared and the Majini shuffled out of the oilfield on their way home.

Chris made his way to were they'd been and climbed the ladder that was next to them.

"Look a lever!" Chris squealed in excitement before pulling it, a zip line handle came flying up to him.

"Are you going or should I?" Sheva said.

"Urk" Chris replied looking extremely anxious, he eyed the zip line handle worriedly. "Well since you clearly like the loo..."

"Yes I agree you should go" Sheva said grinning evilly.

"Um…yes, yes that's what I was saying" Chris agreed, as he pulled at his shirt collar, he gripped the handles gingerly. "Okay then what do I dooooooooo"

Sheva had just pushed Chris; he went flying down to the receiving platform landing with a bump.

"Ouch" Sheva cackled.

Suddenly from another platform a chainsaw Majini appeared.

"QUICK CHRIS USE VIDEO GAME LOGIC!" Sheva shouted.

"What!? What are you talking about video game logic!?" Chris replied.

"Remember how does the Majini hold that up!?" Sheva tried.

Chris exchanged a look with the chainsaw Majini, the Majini shrugged.

"His arms look quite able to hold that up" Chris said.

Sheva sighed and whacked her head against a post; the Majini started making its way to Chris.

"Eek!" Squeaked Chris running to the wheel near him and spinning it causing some of the flames blocking their path to go out, then he jumped to the ground…right next to the chainsaw Majini.

"Chris!" Sheva screamed.

"Huh?" Said Chris ducking down to get some ammo just as the Majini swung.

"Urgh?" The Majini questioned and swung for Chris again but he yet again ducked.

"Urgh!" The Majini screamed in annoyance, Chris grabbed the chainsaw Majini's ankle and the Majini fell to the floor his chainsaw went flying away.

Chris started smacking the Majini and soon they were in a full blown slappy fight, Sheva sighed as she watched her partner continue being a douche then she aimed her sniper at the Majini's head and shot, the chainsaw Majini promptly die.

"Sheva!" Chris complained. "I was winning!"

"No I think he was getting the upper hand actually" Sheva said.

"No he wasn't" Chris mumbled before picking up an object on the Majini. "What the frick fuck is this?" He said holding up the 'venom fang'.

"No idea" Sheva sighed.

Chris joined Sheva on another platform that she had moved to in order to get a better view of Chris dying.

"Another zip liner, I volunteer…you" Chris said.

"Grr" growled Sheva before holding onto the handles and zip lining down.

She landed and span the wheel and the remaining flames went out. "No problems for Sheva" Sheva cackled, suddenly from high up a chainsaw was heard.

"He wasn't there earlier" Chris said to himself.

"What?" Asked the cockatoo.

Chris turned to look at the bird. "He wasn't there earlier" Chris repeated.

"Oh" said the cockatoo.

The chainsaw man jumped down and broke both his legs with a sickening crush.

"Oooh" Chris and Sheva winced.

The chainsaw man roared and sawed open the door from the floor.

"Thank you" Sheva smiled sweetly before stepping over the Majini.

The pair ran up the stairs they'd seen Backstabber Mc Stabberface go up.

"Wasn't that the same guy as the other one?" Chris asked as they walked up the stairs.

"Different trousers" Sheva informed him.

"Oh" Chris said.

_Ze end :) of the chapter don't worry not the fic :D R&R _


	25. Chapter 25

Resident Fun 5

_Reviewers are awesome, you are so awesome woohoo (see a little song for you) _

_On with the show: _

The stairs lead onto a platform both Chris and Sheva leapt down and ran through the door, they entered a room, an elevator stood in the centre, fences lined the area, Chris and Sheva raised their guns, Chris went slightly around the side of the elevator, Sheva kept glancing at him, finally he'd had enough.

"Sheva I'm **fine** stop glancing at me!" He growled, suddenly he bumped into Josh who shoved his gun in Chris's face.

"Josh?" Sheva asked in disbelief, Chris glanced a her then looked back at the gun on his forehead.

"Eek" he squeaked.

"Sheva?" Josh replied taking his gun down, Chris shoved his gun onto Josh's head.

"Chris no!" Sheva shouted.

"He did it first" Chris mumbled retracting his gun.

"Yes, yes I know" Sheva said patting Chris. "You're alive" she told Josh.

"Really? I hadn't noticed" Josh replied sarcastically.

"Are you ok?" Sheva asked, Josh didn't reply, simply stared at her. "Wha…how did you get here?"

Josh cocked his head at her.

"Fucking answer me!" Sheva growled.

"Jesus" Chris mumbled, Sheva glared at him but he was scratching the back of his head whistling while looking at the ceiling (and who said men couldn't multi-task!?)

"We…were at the port playing monopoly when we were attacked…and then…well I ended up here" Josh finished lamely.

"That explained everything about nothing" Sheva groaned.

"He's a bad guy!" Chris said pointing his gun at Josh, Sheva looked at him. "Think about it Sheva! He's just turning up here out of the blue…how'd you get here hey? Teleportation? The Tardis!? I doubt you're even African" He snarled.

"How dare you!? Yes I am African!" Josh squealed.

"Everyone relax" Sheva shouted. "We believe you" she assured Josh, Chris gasped in anger but Sheva chose to ignore this.

"Where is the rest of the team?" Josh asked glaring at Chris before turning to look at Sheva.

Chris looked at Sheva. "You answer" he mimed.

Sheva looked at the floor, Josh did too. "Shit" he said.

"Where!?" Shrieked Chris.

"There on the floor, I swear they **never** clear up around here!" Josh agreed.

"It was probably Sheva" Chris laughed.

"Haha Sheva!" Josh laughed.

"Shut up!" Sheva hissed. "It's just the three of us now" she continued.

"Just the two of us…" Chris sang.

"Why did you not retreat?" Josh asked angrily. "I mean, we are no match for them!"

"Speak for yourself" Sheva mumbled.

"What!?" Josh demanded.

"Nmmmnmmm" Sheva muttered rubbing her arm and looking at the ceiling.

"Stop paying attention to her, **I'm** the important one!" Chris growled once he had Josh's attention he continued. "I've got unfinished business here…also I have to save Jill"

Sheva looked up at Josh. "The hard drive containing data on the ice cream experiment had a picture inside" She informed him. "The picture was of a kitten!"

"What does that have to do with anything!?" Josh demanded.

"Sheva, it's the **other** picture we're talking about" Chris hissed.

"What the one with the puppy and the duckling?" Sheva asked.

"No! Jill!" Chris groaned.

"Oh…yeah the picture was of Chris's friend" Sheva continued.

_Dear God she can't even get that right! _Chris groaned inwardly.

"**More** than friends actually" he put in; he turned to look at Sheva who was glaring at him. "She dug me, I can't help being attractive to the opposite sex" he shrugged.

"Heehee sex" Josh giggled.

"Haha!" Chris agreed.

Sheva rolled her eyes.

"Anyway…a friend?" Josh asked.

"**More** than a friend!" Chris exclaimed. "Anyway, I'm not leaving until I catch Backstabber Mc Stabberface and find out what the hell is going on here!"

"Well gosh darn it you're an annoying man!" Josh said.

"You shut up!" Chris warned.

Suddenly something ran past the window, Josh and Sheva turned, Chris watched them then followed suit, Chris pointed his gun, Josh and Sheva watched him then copied him, Chris grinned to himself.

Suddenly a door closed, Josh turned and looked at it wide eyed.

"Lets save the chit-chat for later" he suggested.

"Yeah later when I'm kicking your butt" Chris muttered.

"What?" Josh asked.

"Mm?" Chris said, trying hard to look innocent.

Suddenly a man burst through the window he fell to the floor in pain and died.

"And that's the end of that chapter" Chris said going to put his gun away but another man came through afterwards, Chris shot him. "Dead" he declared.

A man jumped down from a balcony and broke his legs, he started clawing towards Josh, Sheva turned and shot him, Josh being useless just turned in time to see him die.

Suddenly a Majini landed in front of Sheva, Josh went to shoot him but Chris barrelled him out of the way claiming it was: 'To dangerous' then shot the man himself, Josh glared at him.

"Don't hate me cuz you ain't me" Chris quipped.

"You suck" Josh hissed.

Sheva meanwhile fell onto a fence, a man on the other side started tickling her neck she squealed before turning and shooting him.

"Sheva cover me!" Josh squeaked before running to the elevator and commencing to take an unnecessary amount of time causing it to come down.

"Dude just press the button" Chris suggested.

"Did I tell you to cover me? No! So shut up!" Josh hissed.

"**You** shut up!" Chris retorted.

"No you!" Josh shouted.

"Oh just hurry the fuck up!" Chris roared as they watched hundreds (not literally but there were lots) of Majini begin gathering.

_Next chappy, fighting wooo, Majini fighting yey!!!!!!! R&R I lave you. _


	26. Chapter 26

Resident Fun 5

_I think I'm updating too fast, am I updating too fast? You just tell me and I stop ;) _

Loads of Majini began rushing towards Chris and Sheva, Chris shot them all away.

"Cover me while I disable this elevators lock!" Josh commanded.

"What does it look like we're doing!?" Chris demanded as he shot a Majini that was sneaking along the floor towards Josh.

"They're coming from everywhere!" Sheva announced as she somersaulted a bunch of Majini away.

"We know that Miss. State the obvious of the year 2009!" Chris shot back as he blasted a group of Majini away.

"You know what Chris? Words hurt!" Sheva hissed as she shot a Majini behind Chris's shoulder.

"Life hurts get used to it!" Chris yelled.

"What the hell are you two doing!? I said ages ago that the lock was disabled now come on!" Josh yelled, yanking the two of them into the lift, Chris moodily shot a few Majini away.

The elevator delivered them onto a balcony like area.

"Move! Move!" Josh commanded.

"Josh just shut **up**!" Chris shouted back.

"I hate you Chris" Josh hissed.

"Yeah well I don't think to highly of you either!" Chris announced.

"Guys! Guys stop fighting!" Sheva shouted as she handled the Majini by herself.

"Sheva stay out of this!" Chris growled not looking away from Josh.

"Chris please!" Sheva begged.

"Fine!" Chris sighed before punching Josh in the face.

"What the fuck!?" Josh shouted.

Chris skipped up to a ladder and climbed up it, Sheva followed and then eventually Josh did too.

"There should be an exit up ahead, GO!" Josh screamed.

They ran downstairs and got to another locked exit.

"Dammit is everything locked down!?" Josh demanded, as he randomly started pushing buttons to open the door. "This is going to a pain in the ass but I'll see what I can do"

"You're a pain in the ass!" Chris shouted.

"Chris! Stop having random goes at everyone!" Sheva exclaimed.

"…sorry I'm tired" Chris shrugged.

Suddenly they heard the all too familiar sound of a chainsaw.

"Ah for **fucks** sake!" Chris groaned.

The chainsaw Majini jumped down next to them.

"Go away I'm tired!" He yelled at the Majini.

The chainsaw Majini looked taken aback. "Dude you've got some issues seriously, anger management anyone?" He said.

Sheva kicked him in the balls. "Leave Chris alone, he's stressed!"

"Argh what the fuck lady!" The chainsaw Majini screamed going to clutch the 'area' but he still had his chainsaw in his hand so he cut himself in two. "Well that's just great what am I gonna tell Maud!?" His top half complained from the ground.

"Tell her you had an encounter with the…MAN HULK!" Chris shouted before kicking the torso and head away.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" The top half screamed as he flew away.

"Ok got it!" Josh announced, the door opened.

The three emerged into a room.

"Are you ok?" He asked.

"Yeah I think so" Chris nodded.

"I wasn't asking you, Sheva?" Josh growled at Chris then nodded at Sheva.

"I'm ok" Sheva nodded.

"It looks like Backstabber Mc Stabberface is trying to blow up the place and make his escape" Josh informed them. "You must stop him before it's too late"

"Why can't you?" Chris demanded.

"Because I'm a fucking wimp!" Josh hissed. "**I'll** try to find us a way out of here"

"Alright we'll go after Backstabber Mc Stabberface but you suck" Chris ordered.

"Don't you think I know that!?" Josh retorted.

"Seriously what is **up** with you two!?" Sheva demanded.

"He's always telling me what to do!" Chris exclaimed.

"And you always speak back!" Josh declared.

"Run away coward run away!" Chris commanded producing his handgun and pointing it at Josh.

Josh backed away behind Sheva. "There's a dock up ahead" he whispered to her.

"What'd he say!?" Chris demanded.

"That's probably where he's going to make his break" Josh said louder.

"Who? The Merchant from Resident evil 4?" Chris asked.

"No Backstabber Mc Stabberface dickweed" Josh hissed.

"…Oh" Chris said.

Josh nodded then went to go away.

"Josh!" Sheva shouted.

Josh turned.

"Be careful" She implored him.

"Yeah because we need to get away…that's why she said that" Chris interjected before waving Josh jovially away.

Chris turned to Sheva once Josh had left and stared at her.

"What was that about? Am I not good enough?" He demanded. "Look at me I'm awesome!"

"Let's just go" Sheva sighed.

"Man hulk Sheva!" Chris shouted after her as she ran off in front of him.

_That was __**crap**__ I dunno sorry :\ _


	27. Chapter 27

Resident Fun 5

_Thank you reviewers for your beautiful reviews, because you're beautiful!!!_

The pair descended a staircase then went up a staircase (a different on of course).

They reached a large red door, and banged it open.

It delivered them onto a dock; a large silver boat was just prepping to leave.

"That's Backstabber Mc Stabberface's boat! Let's go!" Sheva shouted.

"I swear Sheva you get excited to see everyone but me!" Chris complained as he followed after her.

The pair ran to the end of the docks up near the boat where Backstabber Mc Stabberface was walking casually about.

"There he is!" Sheva exclaimed.

"Miss state the…"

Sheva elbowed Chris in the ribs.

"…obvious 2009" Chris mumbled.

They watched as the bird masked woman from the earlier chapter jumped onto a small motorboat next to the larger boat (which was more of a ship really).

"Hey…isn't that?" Sheva gasped.

The bird masked woman sped off.

"What?" Chris demanded turning to look at her. "What? What? Who was it?"

"Nobody" Sheva shook her head.

_It looked like my pet hamster_ she thought _but…that's not possible…is it? _

Backstabber Mc Stabberface seemed to suddenly notice them he ran over to the railings and fell off, having to hang onto the railings he cackled at them.

"Splen…urgh" He pulled himself up. "Splendid timing! You twos are just in time for the fireworks show! BOOM!" He declared.

"Yes that is the noise fireworks make" Chris nodded in agreement.

Backstabber Mc Stabberface laughed as the boat began pulling away.

"Wait!" Chris shouted he turned to Sheva. "Why didn't you shoot him with your rifle?" He demanded.

"…Forgot" Sheva muttered.

"What!?" Chris asked.

"Forgot" Sheva repeated louder.

"Stupid little frog head" Chris mumbled, he looked up at the departing ship. "I hate that guy" he hissed.

"Chris you're not capable of hating everyone…you're like a teddy bear, a big steroid abusing teddy bear" Sheva grinned ruffling his hair.

"Yeah you're right" Chris grinned then he punched her. "Don't touch me Sheva"

Sheva jumped up and looked up. "Look we're being timed!" She exclaimed pointing at the timer ticking away above them.

"And Majini look!" Chris announced pointing at the oncoming swarm.

"I have eyes!" Sheva hissed.

"Shut up!" Chris shouted turning to glare at her.

"H…hello! Can…can we attack yet!?"

Chris shot the Majini that had just said that without even looking.

"Awesome" Sheva commented, the pair shot a path through the first swarm of the many Majini to come.

"Sheva do you read me? I secured a boat!" Josh shouted through the radio.

"That's great Josh but couldn't you help us with shooting? I'm sure the boat will still be there!" Sheva suggested as she shot a Majini that was holding Chris (who for some reason can't whack off people ten times smaller than him, go figure).

"…No, cuz…cuz someone needs to look after the boat" Josh mumbled.

"Well rifle some of them away then!" Chris growled shooting the Majini behind him.

"No cuz then they might get angry and come after me" Josh whimpered.

"Stupid little chicken shit!" Chris shouted in frustration.

"Mind your language!" A Majini near Chris scolded.

Chris punched him.

"Anyway I'm on the other side of the dock! Get here on the double!" Josh commanded.

"We were **gonna**!" Chris and Sheva shouted in unison.

The pair get closer to the boat another man grabbed Chris, Sheva kicked him off.

"Thanks Sheva" Chris grinned. "Boy am I glad the producers decided to give me a partner even if it was to avoid racist claims"

"Huh?" Sheva said shooting some Majini away.

"Doesn't matter" Chris shook his head.

The pair reached a locked door.

"Go on Sheva you're master of unlocking!" Chris encouraged.

"Wha? No I'm not" Sheva protested.

"Oh…oh yeah that was…someone else" Chris whispered before punching the door out of the way sending many Majini flying away with it.

Through the door stood three dogs.

"Not this again" Sheva rolled her eyes then she looked at Chris expectantly.

Chris looked back at her. "What?" He asked.

"Aren't you going to claim they're yours and protest when I shoot them?" She questioned.

"…Why would I do that?" Chris asked.

"…" Sheva shot a dog.

"Whiskers nooooo!" Chris wailed.

Sheva shot the other two and ran up to the big man Majini but Chris shoved her out of the way, he ran at the big man Majini and the two of them went flying into the ocean.

"Chris!!!" Sheva screamed.

The water was silent all the Majini surrounding Sheva went quiet biting their lips in shock, suddenly a crocodile burst out of the water holding Chris and the big man Majini both in its jaws, Chris started pushing the big man Majini down then leapt out just as the Crocodile started choking, it sunk into the water coughing and spluttering.

"Well that's killing two birds with one stone" Sheva congratulated him.

Chris looked at her like she was an idiot. "It was a crocodile and my mortal enemy and I didn't use a stone"

"Forget it" Sheva sighed as they reached the boat.

"Quickly we must go!" Josh shouted as Chris and Sheva leapt on.

"Are you alright?" He asked Sheva as he held her hands to help her on.

Chris glared at them, suddenly the building blew up. "Wow! I did that with my mind!" Chris exclaimed.

"Backstabber Mc Stabberface did that" Sheva informed him.

"Quiet non believer, I am GOD!" Chris shouted standing up in the boat.

Sheva punched him in the balls, Chris fell onto his knees squeaking. "Sacrilege"

Josh stopped the boat a little away and they watched the explosions.

"I reckon we'd have been fine where we were you know" Sheva informed them nodding at the area where they'd confronted Backstabber Mc Stabberface (not on fire).

"These are pretty cheap fireworks" Chris pouted.

Suddenly a rocket flew up into the air and exploded in beautiful colours.

"Hurray!" Chris clapped.

And with that…the chapter ended.

_I think this one was funnier than the last three but you be the judge, R&R but not flames cuz only losers flame :) _


	28. Chapter 28

Resident Fun 5

_Don't be afraid to review friendlings, but enemy…lings you stays away!! :) Now enjoy your crappy fanfiction :) _

Slowly the boat slowed to a stop Josh turned to the partners. "What happened to Backstabber Mc Stabberface?" He questioned.

Chris looked at his gun then looked at Sheva, Sheva looked up at Josh.

"Ahh for fucks sake, can't you two do anything?!" He groaned.

Chris clicked the safety off his gun.

"Well he can't have gone too far" Josh continued.

Chris clicked the safety back on.

"Yeah and you can hear his squeaky voice from a mile away" Sheva agreed.

"Haha" Chris laughed. "Weird voice"

Josh turned and started looking at some porno.

"Josh…" Sheva began.

Chris stood up and pushed her off the boat. "Thanks" He said solemnly.

Josh nodded and went to rev the boats engine when suddenly an arrow hit the side of the boat narrowly missing Sheva's face as she clambered back onto the boat, Chris, Josh and Sheva watched in horror as Majini moved towards them on boats…ROW BOATS!!!! One of the Majini shot at them again.

"Thank me later, we got company!" Josh said.

"We've already said thank you, there won't be another one" Chris informed him. "This was your one chance"

The boat started moving away from the Majini.

"I'm on it" Chris yelled aiming his gun at them.

"We got you covered" Sheva agreed.

"No! **I'm** on it!" Chris hissed.

"Chris…we're partners to the end" Sheva said.

"You've already said that part" Chris replied.

"It basically means you're not getting rid of me" Sheva replied.

_Dammit_ Chris thought, before shooting the Majini firing arrows at them away.

As the boat speeded off the row boats took chase but the Majini couldn't keep up and took to swearing at them from afar.

"Yeah, yeah very mature" Chris yelled, a Majini mooned him, suddenly he got a cap in his arse, Sheva held her rifle up and grinned at Chris.

Eventually they came to a bridge, Majini stood on it firing arrows at them, Josh just sped up and none of them hit.

"Dumb shits" Chris commented.

Soon they came to another bridge with platforms on either side of them.

"Dammit the gates shut…" Josh turned and looked at Chris and Sheva expectantly.

"What?" Sheva asked.

"Go get the gate to open" Josh commanded.

"Fucking Josh making me open a gate" Chris mumbled as he jumped off the boat, Sheva jumped off on the other side and both partners made their way to the switches on either side.

"Argh Chris help!" Sheva shouted as she reached the switch, a Majini was grabbing her.

"Little busy!" Chris called back as a flying parasite bit at him.

Chris whacked the flying thing of him and shot at the Majini.

"Argh!" Sheva screamed as a bullet came careering into her arm.

"Sorry!" Chris squealed before shooting again this time he hit her thigh.

"Chris! Argh!" Sheva yelped in pain.

"Okay" Chris aimed at the Majini's head.

"CHRIS NO!" Sheva screamed realising what he was about to do, Chris shot and there was silence.

"Thanks" Sheva said as the Majini dropped off of her.

They both yanked the switches down and Sheva began making her way back down to jump onto the boat, Chris on the other hand dropped into the water.

"Argh!" Chris squeaked.

"I'm coming!" Josh said driving at Chris as the gate opened.

"NOOOO!" Chris screamed as he watched the boat holding Josh and Sheva flying towards him, he grabbed on to the end of the boat but Josh didn't stop and soon they were flying along with Chris holding onto the end for dear life.

"Josh stop!" Sheva begged.

"What!? Can't hear you engine's too loud!" Josh shouted back.

They went under another bridge and went speeding to a low down bridge.

"Get down!" Josh shouted at Sheva.

"Uh?" Sheva said before being whacked in the back of the head by the bridge.

"Ooh" Chris winced.

"I bough chicken once but it was rotten" Sheva murmured before falling to the boats floor unconscious.

Eventually they reached another gate area; Josh went speeding at the gate.

"ARRGHH!" Chris screamed as he went back first into it, the gate cracked open and Josh sped the boat through. "You **psycho**!" Chris yelled.

Josh grinned at him.

Eventually they were clear; Josh slowed the boat to a stop.

Lightning flashed in the sky, suddenly from the side a giant boat appeared.

"Oh shit!" Josh shouted whacking the steering wheel wildly.

The boat banged dangerously against the ship, suddenly a Majini started shooting wildly at them, many more on other machine gun turrets at the side joined in.

"Oh my God, Sheva chose a great time to be unconscious!" Chris complained before shooting the Majini. "We gotta get aboard that ship"

"Hold on!" Said Josh steering closer.

Backstabber Mc Stabberface stood on the ship having a flashback.

_Flashback _

"_What are you going to do about them?" The bird masked woman asked. _

"_You're just one of Excella's playthings!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface replied. _

"_What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" The bird masked woman asked bewildered. _

"…_You're fat" Backstabber Mc Stabberface said. _

_The bird masked woman grabbed him by the neck and slammed him against the wall she looked up at him. _

"_It was your master who was…" Backstabber Mc Stabberface tried to choke out. _

"_Since you didn't answer last time. What are you going to do about them!?" The bird masked woman demanded, her grip tightened. _

"_Alright! Alright! I'll handle it!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface coughed. _

_The bird masked woman released him and he fell to the floor coughing and choking. _

"_Use it" The bird masked woman said, Backstabber Mc Stabberface looked up to see her holding out a condom. "Also use this" she gave him a vial. _

"_This?" Backstabber Mc Stabberface questioned as he tucked the condom into his pocket before taking the vial. _

Suddenly Chris leapt on board holding a still unconscious Sheva.

"Won't you two jus…" Backstabber Mc Stabberface began, but Chris interrupted.

"Could I…just wake Sheva?" He requested.

Backstabber Mc Stabberface sighed. "Fine"

Chris lay Sheva out on the floor and smacked her cheeks lightly; she opened her eyes blearily and looked up at Chris.

"Am I in heaven?" She asked.

"I can see how you'd mistake me for an angel but…no we're about to have a boss battle with Backstabber Mc Stabberface" Chris informed her.

"No I'll talk first" Backstabber Mc Stabberface added.

"Oh, he's gonna talk first" Chris told her.

"Ch…Chris?" Sheva said before smiling dopily.

"Haha Sheva loves Chris, Sheva loves Chris!" Chris sang.

"Yep I'm definitely not in heaven" Sheva groaned before standing up shakily and holding her gun.

"Yeah…can I carry on…? Ok won't you two just die already?" Backstabber Mc Stabberface growled. "You're making me look **bad**"

"As….as if that's possible" Sheva said yawning.

"Ooh burn!" Chris cackled.

"Chris I think I have concussion" Sheva said.

"Ssh Backstabber Mc Stabberface is talking" Chris silenced her.

"Who do you think go this entire operation off the ground?" Backstabber Mc Stabberface questioned.

"Wesker?" Chris suggested.

"Excella?" Sheva said.

"Nemesis?" Chris stated.

"Josh?" Sheva asked.

"Leon Scott fecking Kennedy?" Chris hissed.

"Me?" Sheva suggested.

"N..No!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface spluttered. "It was me!"

"None of the above?" Chris whined.

"None of the above" Backstabber Mc Stabberface confirmed. "Research like this doesn't buy itself you know. Yet everyone looks down on me!"

"You are quite small" Chris nodded.

Backstabber Mc Stabberface looked at the vial he was clutching in his sweaty hand. "But not anymore"

"Woah don't do it man!" Chris shouted.

"Don't do it!" Sheva agreed lazily checking her gun for ammo.

"Hahahah" Backstabber Mc Stabberface cackled before punching it into his skin. "Ow that frikin hurt!" he screamed. "Did it even go in right? Argh no it didn't ok, 1, 2, 3 now!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface punched it in hard.

Chris and Sheva winced.

"Is it…is it bleeding? Argh it is!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface whimpered.

"Seriously everyone injects themselves nowadays" Sheva sighed as Backstabber Mc Stabberface fell to his knees moaning in pain, he began to change.

His back began bubbling.

"Gremlins!" Chris squealed.

Sheva went to nudge him in the ribs but she missed and slipped onto her butt behind Chris.

Suddenly a tentacle burst out of Backstabber Mc Stabberface then many more followed suit. The tentacles began lifting his fragile body up.

"I'm far beyond anything you could ever hope to become" He gasped.

"Why in hells name would we want to become a disgusting alien slimey thing?" Chris demanded as Sheva stood up again.

Backstabber Mc Stabberface paused a moment then shrugged and continued transforming, one of his tentacles went flying at Chris but he whacked it away then shot wildly at him.

The monstrous Backstabber Mc Stabberface flung himself into the water.

"Haha" Chris chuckled.

Sheva glared at him.

"What? He looked funny" Chris smirked.

"Where's Josh?" Sheva asked.

"He said he would be here in spirit" Chris answered.

"God I hate that guy" Sheva groaned.

"Me too!" Chris agreed, suddenly the boat rocked and a gigantic tentacle came up behind them, it slammed down but the partners dodged. Then a giant fish like monstrosity rose out of the water, it opened its mouth and the vague form of Backstabber Mc Stabberface was visible.

"I just had an extreme makeover!" He informed them.

"Yeah you needed one" Sheva agreed.

"Dude you became like the tongue" Chris winced.

"Yeah you look like that old woman out of the Spongebob movie" Sheva nodded.

"Yeah…but it was extreme!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface retorted before ducking back down into the water.

"Ugly wanker" Chris said to Sheva who nodded.

_Hope you enjoyed this chappy, was loooong :) _


	29. Chapter 29

Resident Fun 5

_Hey all! Sorry this wasn't updated for a week I was camping...T_T yeah...so anywho hope you enjoy this boss battle with the most annoying guy evah! Yeah that's right Chris! Hawhaw you know I'm kidding :3_

Suddenly Chris's radio buzzed.

"Chris status report! What the hell is that thing!?" Josh gasped frantically while munching on popcorn.

"Are you...are you eating popcorn!?" Chris demanded incredulously.

"That's not important what's going on!?" Josh hit back.

"Actually I would say it **was** pretty damn important!" Chris growled.

Sheva grabbed her radio. "Just get out of here Josh, it's too dangerous!" She yelped.

"You don't have to tell me twice" Josh replied. "Just don't get yourself killed"

"Oh that's charming" Chris mumbled rolling his eyes as he manned a machine gun. "Euch look it's at the side of the boat!" He squealed before hitting the giant monster Backstabber Mc Stabberface had become with a hail of bullets.

Suddenly four massive tentacles rose out of the stormy water, Sheva rushed to the other machine gun and joined Chris in blasting the hell out of Backstabber Mc Stabberface, two of the tentacles dropped in a slimy mess into the water the other two quickly following suit the stumps fell back into the water.

"Something that undergoes such a rapid transformation must have a weakness!" Sheva shouted.

"...what does transformation mean?" Chris asked.

Sheva stopped shooting and turned to look at Chris. "You're joking right?" She asked in disbelief.

"...yeah...yeah I'm joking" Chris replied pretending to laugh.

Suddenly Backstabber Mc Stabberface was swimming towards them head on, the massive creature opened its mouth and Backstabber Mc Stabberface was revealed to them.

"Shoot him!" Chris commanded and he and Sheva began shooting wildly at the fragile tongue...thing...but after about twenty minutes of shooting it wasn't doing anything.

"Fuck this!" Chris sighed before throwing a grenade into the mouth of the beast.

The beast retched as if choking and closed itself on Backstabber Mc Stabberface.

"Fuuuuuuuckkkkk" Backstabber Mc Stabberface's fragile form came flying onto the ship deck...looking gross and icky, he gasped and looked as if he was finding it hard to breathe as the pool of blood surrounding him spread.

"Tell me what you're planning to do!" Chris commanded as he and Sheva trained their guns onto him.

"Damn Excella!" Backstabber Mc Stabberface said- more to himself then anyone else- as he gasped. "I guess I wasn't worth the good stuff"

Backstabber Mc Stabberface let out a roar of pain as Sheva turned to Chris looking shocked. "Excella?"

Chris grabbed his iphone out of his back pocket, and showed Backstabber Mc Stabberface the background (which was of Jill if you were wondering).

"Where is this facility?" He demanded then without giving Backstabber Mc Stabberface a chance to answer: "Answer me!"

Backstabber Mc Stabberface opened his mouth to talk but Chris wasn't finished.

"What is the Uroboros project!?" He growled.

Backstabber Mc Stabberface opened his mouth again.

"How old am I!? What's the capital of France!? What's the scientific name for mushrooms!?" Chris continued.

"Chris give him a chance to answer" Sheva hissed.

"Fine" Chris said. "But I expect answers after this" he warned, pointing at Backstabber Mc Stabberface.

"The BSSA...Wow, youse two are just on top of everything, aren't ya?" Backstabber Mc Stabberface choked.

"What does...youse mean?" Chris asked.

"He means you" Sheva explained.

"Oh sorry it's just his stupid voice" Chris sighed. "Makes everything squeaky" he added.

"The balance of the world is changing and you're completely oblivious to it" Backstabber Mc Stabberface continued.

"Nuhuh!" Chris argued.

"Yep" Backstabber Mc Stabberface nodded.

"No!" Chris argued.

Backstabber Mc Stabberface rolled his eyes.

"What's changing? What are you talking about!?" Sheva demanded.

"Oh ok she didn't know...but I did" Chris nodded.

"Is it the Uroboros project? Is that it!?" Sheva continued.

"No one can stop it" Backstabber Mc Stabberface replied in way of an answer.

"But I'm right aren't I?" Sheva asked.

"Yes" Backstabber Mc Stabberface nodded.

"Yes! Woohoo!" Sheva laughed jumping up and down.

"Uroboros is about to change everything we've ever come to know" Backstabber Mc Stabberface then he screamed in pain.

"Chris!" Sheva warned Chris, Chris got up and backed away.

"I was gonna anyway!" He hissed at her as he joined her.

"Chris? So you're Chris?" Backstabber Mc Stabberface asked with a hint of amusement on his face.

"No...I'm Tom...Tom Scott" Chris replied shifty eyed.

"...Oh" Backstabber Mc Stabberface said.

"Nawh I'm kidding I am" Chris laughed.

"Oh ok" Backstabber Mc Stabberface said before laughing, Chris and Sheva joined in but eventually Chris stopped.

"What's so funny? Chris is a good name!" He growled. "On second thoughts...How do you know about me!?" He demanded.

"All your answers await ahead, Chris...in that cave" Backstabber Mc Stabberface coughed. "If you can survive long enough to get there!" He laughed but seemed to be pained in doing so. "Dying's not so bad! But it's not gonna change anything! You're still screwed!" he continued before bursting into hysterical laughter again.

"Shut up!" Chris retorted. "We're wasting time here!" He said before aiming his gun at Backstabber Mc Stabberface.

"Chris!" Sheva scolded placing her hand on his gun (ooer) and lowering it. Backstabber Mc Stabberface laughed until his last breath and then suddenly began bubbling.

"Poor bastard" Chris tutted.

"Now what?" Sheva asked in the tone of an annoyed little girl.

Chris did a double take. "...We keep going" He answered eventually.

_Fuck_ Sheva thought to herself.

"Oh by the way Sheva why didn't you let me shoot Backstabber Mc Stabberface? Did you fancy him or something?" Chris asked conversationally.

"No I just get a twisted sense of joy and pleasure whenever I see people or animals in pain" Sheva explained.

"...Oh" Chris mumbled.

And with that the chapter ended.

_Hope it was up to scratch after the long wait, review my babies review!! ___


	30. Chapter 30

Resident Fun 5

_Backstabber Mc Stabberface is dead and I will hopefully never write that not funny too long name ever again :) Anyway enjoy this because writing this was annoying cuz my comp does this...thing cba to explain anywho enjoy Chris and Sheva and...Josh I suppose...yes Josh :) _

Josh slowly steered the boat into the cave Backstabber Mc Stabberface (Doh!) had pointed them towards.

"...Hey when'd we get on this boat?" Chris suddenly piped up.

"We got on off-screen Chris now shh, dramatic moment where we mull over what Backstabber Mc Stabberface told us" Sheva silenced her partner.

"Oops sorry" Chris sniggered; he looked around the cave, scanning it for movement. "So this is the place he was talking about" He said.

"Who's he the cat's mother?" Sheva scolded.

"I'm sorry Backsta..." Chris began but Sheva wasn't listening, she stood up and fell off the side of the boat, a moment later she bobbed up and pointed at the small dock ahead of them.

"That's the boat Jil...I mean the woman used to get away!" She exclaimed.

Chris heaved himself up as the boat drew closer to the dock; the pair leapt onto the creaky wooden platform then turned to Josh.

"So you two are really gonna go through with this?" He asked his expression unreadable.

Sheva opened her mouth but Chris clamped his hand over it. "Yes" He answered.

Sheva groaned, Chris elbowed her in the ribs to signal that it was her turn to speak.

"This is not just about She Who Must Not Be Named" She explained.

"...Who?" Josh asked.

"Jill" Sheva sighed. "Anyway it's not just about her but the Uroboros project as well"

"I guess there's nothing I can do to stop you" Josh said staring at Sheva sadly.

"Yeah cuz I'd kung fu kick you away if you tried anything" Chris agreed.

"I will call HQ and try to get the withdrawal order rescinded" Josh continued. "I will also try to get you back up"

"...Well why not you?" Sheva suggested.

"Because Sheva if you haven't worked it out by now...I'm scared, the Majini scare me, Wesker scares me, Chris scares me!" Josh exploded. "I only chose this job so I could impress chicks!"

"Doesn't work" Chris added sadly, shaking his head.

"Look I'm sorry but I think you're crazy! Both of you...try not to get yourself killed" Josh continued.

"You said that earlier!" Chris exclaimed, outraged.

"You know Chris people **do** repeat themselves!" Josh spat.

"Yeah...but not in games" Chris mumbled.

Sheva stared at him in horror as they watched him drive away.

"That **bastard**!" She exploded one Josh was out of earshot. "I could die! I know he fancies me! Why didn't he just kiss me!?"

"Cuz Resident evil isn't about romance Sheva, it's about kicking zombie butt...also why would you **want** him to kiss you?" Chris replied.

"I dunno just to relieve some of the sexual tension I guess" Sheva shrugged.

"I wonder where he's gone" Chris said looking at the cave opening that Josh had boated out of.

"Probably to a strip club" Sheva answered, curling her lip in disgust.

"They have one of those here!?" Chris exclaimed excitedly.

"No Chris" Sheva sighed. "...Chris...that name Backstabber Mc Stabberface said...Excella..."

"You heard it before?" Chris asked.

Sheva opened her mouth.

"Answer me!" Chris commanded.

Sheva sighed and rolled her eyes. "It's the name of the director of Tricell's African division"

"How very not suspicious" Chris hummed. "Do you think she could be connected to Backstabber Mc Stabberface?"

"No you dumb shit I think he just said her name out of pure coincidence" Sheva sighed.

"Words hurt bitch!" Chris growled suddenly he looked thoughtful. "Tricell...if there is a connection what does that mean for Sweden?"

"...Sweden?" Sheva asked blankly.

Chris turned. "Yeah Sweden the country we're in?"

"You think we're in Sweden?" Sheva asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Yeah...aren't we?" Chris asked looking confused.

"Chris...I said to you when we first met 'welcome to Africa'" Sheva groaned.

"Actually you said run while you can" Chris corrected her.

"**After **that part, Jesus Chris stop living in the past" She sighed.

"So we're in Africa?" Chris repeated.

"Africa" Sheva confirmed nodding her head vigorously. "Anyway I'm not sure what it means for Africa, but if we keep going...we're bound to find out"

"True. Let's move" Chris agreed.

"I was gonna!" Sheva hissed.

_Short and not sweet...dude you got a bum deal :) _


	31. Chapter 31

Resident Fun 5

_It's going down the drain again isn't it? :\ Anyway I hope you enjoy this chappy :3 _

The pair ran through the small hut near the tiny dock and ran through to a cavernous area suddenly the ground in front of them started moving and small spider like things emerged.

"…EEEWWWWW AARGH NO I CAN'T FIGHT THESE SHEVA!" Chris squealed jumping behind her.

"Chris get a grip! We've been against hundreds of things more scary and dangerous than these…spiders!" Sheva scolded.

"But…they're spiders!" Chris whimpered.

Sheva sighed and quickly -so quickly Chris didn't realise what was happening until it was too late- threw him into the throng of approaching Bui Kichwa, Chris landed with a SQUISH on the spiders and shrieked in horror.

"Sheva argh! It's all over…it's all over my clothes!" Chris began crying as more Bui Kichwa approached.

Sheva sighed and threw a grenade at them exploding more of their gunky mess all over Chris.

"Why must you hurt me?" Chris sniffed.

Sheva rolled her eyes.

Eventually after a few minutes of coaxing Sheva got Chris to stand up and the pair reached a ladder.

Following the path the ladder had brought them up to they eventually bumped into more Bui Kichwa, Chris squealed and hid his face behind his hands.

"Chris look they're nice…well they're not nice but look it looks like they're wearing little booties on their feet" Shea smiled and pointed at them, Chris put his hands down and laughed, suddenly a Bui Kichwa launched itself at Chris and latched itself onto his face.

"ARRRGHHH!" Chris screamed.

Sheva smacked it off him and shot it then turned to Chris.

"Are you alright Chris?" She checked worriedly.

Chris stared at her wide eyed. "It put it's spider balls in my mouth" He choked, his eyes watering.

"…ew" Sheva replied scrunching her nose up in disgust.

The pair continued running down the cave hallway until they met with a giant door…the only way through, at the door was a flaming torch.

"Look! Something shiny's in there!" Chris exclaimed before brandishing his knife and sending all the wood and burning things to the ground, he reached into the now empty vase like structure and grabbed a gem. "Oooh hot hot hot!" He squealed as he tucked it into his trouser pocket.

"Who the fuck put that in there?" Sheva questioned as she picked burning ash out of her hair.

The gem in Chris's pocket turned to tar and slipped away.

"Well done Sheva, even though I've told you, you continue to question video game logic" Chris sighed rolling his eyes.

"…sorry" Sheva replied meekly.

"Urgh lets just go through this door" Chris sighed before banging the door open with his fist.

The pair advanced to see a wonderful underground Aztec like city.

"Wow…why is an Aztec city in Africa?" Chris asked as they took it all in.

"Chris careful we don't want the whole city to disappear!" Sheva scolded.

"Why would the city disappear?" Chris questioned.

"Because…video game…logic?" Sheva mumbled.

Chris stared at her for a long time. "…You need help" He said eventually. "Lets roll"

_Vair short sorry O.o thanks to EvilMentalHamster for the booties joke, and if anyone's still reading this…thanks! _


	32. Chapter 32

Resident Fun 5

_Sorry for being away for so long true believers but I was trying to figure out how to do this stupid chapter, I hope this is extra gooey fun for your guys __J _

"I never knew such a place existed here" Sheva said as she followed Chris.

"Duh thank you Sheva for repeating basically **exactly **what I said in the previous chapter" Chris replied rolling his eyes as he leapt down onto the level below. "Still it looks like there's been some recent activity" he continued as Sheva jumped down after him.

"I hope Backstabber Mc Stabberface was telling the truth when he said we'd find answers in this place" Sheva said.

"Well it would be pretty fucking pointless to lie about something so vague Sheva" Chris sighed.

"God Chris have you taken your medicine today!?" Sheva hissed.

"As a matter of fact I haven't!" Chris roared. "And I'm very cranky" he added quietly afterwards.

"Well don't take it out on me you steroid abusing monkey!" Sheva screeched.

"Shut up you useless…woman!" Chris retorted.

"Oh real original spring for the sexist joke, what's next Chris? The racist joke?" Sheva growled.

"You're a…NO! No I wasn't gonna be racist!" Chris lied.

"Oh just shut up Chris! Just shut up!" Sheva finished.

Muttering to himself Chris leapt onto the level below.

They came upon some dead bodies hanging up but because they'd fallen out both Chris and Sheva remained silent, Chris rushed over to a treasure chest and tried pushing it, but for some reason it didn't budge beneath his Man Hulk strength.

"I see you need some help" Sheva muttered stonily.

"Thanks Captain obvious" Chris shot back.

"Look just shut up" Sheva hissed before pushing the top of the treasure chest single handly.

"How'd you do that!?" Chris demanded, mouth agape.

"Women's wrath…gives us special powers" Sheva replied looking at her nails as Chris began gathering the gold inside, shoving it down his trousers down his shirt, Sheva sighed. "People are gonna hear you a mile off" she growled.

"Yes but I'm rich so who gives a fuck?" Chris asked.

The pair ran through two stone doorways and came out upon a bridge type thing, little did they know two Majini were watching them and… (no they weren't doing anything like **that**! You rude reader!).

Suddenly a pillar near Sheva fell, Sheva dodged just in time, the pillar hit the bridge and made a huge gap in it, Chris stared at Sheva across the way forlornly, like a lost puppy.

"Chris…are you ok?" Sheva asked on his radio.

"No! I'm lost and scared!" Chris wailed.

"Chris jump down there, I'm sure there'll be stairs to get up here. Those assholes can't be so dumb to break it without a way of getting to me" Sheva instructed.

Chris leapt down onto the lowest level and screamed; a Majini had suddenly jumped through a crack in the wall.

"I'll provide cover!" Sheva yelled.

Chris screamed as the Majini jabbed at him. "Sheva! Where are you!" He yelped.

"Sorry I've lost my rifle!" Came Sheva's reply.

"You **what**!?" Chris screeched.

"Oops" Sheva grinned and shrugged.

"Right time to get personal" Chris decided, he pulled his fist back and smacked the first Majini out of the way, he tripped the second up and then there was a third. "It's a well known fact" Chris told the Majini. "That if you have hair on your palm…you're insane"

"Uh?" The Majini brought it's hand up to its face, and Chris slapped it, causing the Majini to slap itself and…die (yeah lets go with that).

More Majini confronted him as he rounded the corner but Chris had a new tactic.

"Look diversion!" He yelled pointing behind him, the Majini stared behind him and Chris rushed past them up the stairs, but the terror wasn't finished up the stairs were more Majini.

"Ah for fucks sake!" Chris sighed before rugby tackling them both to the floor and running up a second flight of stairs, Majini holding shields greeted him, one of them jabbed him.

"Hey! Where's the sense in that! You can't see me!" Chris complained.

The Majini disappeared in a poof of smoke.

"Good use of questioning video game logic Chris!" Sheva called.

"It's what I do babeh!" Chris replied.

He turned to corner and there was Sheva.

"Sheva I'm sorry…are we still partners?" He asked.

"Yes of course…but only if you lose all that gold and admit you just used video game logic to defeat a foe!" Sheva retorted.

"Okay" Chris shook the gold off him, out of his hair out of his ears, Sheva watched with horrified curiosity.

"How'd you get that in there?" She demanded.

"You wanna see the amount of coins I've got up my butt" Chris laughed.

"No…I don't" Sheva lied. "Anyway…out with it, admit you questioned video game logic"

Chris stared at her blankly.

"Come on!"

"I…I wish I could but I really don't understand what you're talking about" Chris mumbled confused.

"Ah fucking forget it" Sheva groaned.

_K hope you liked it, I think it's okay advancing the plot wise, though not necessarily funny wise, anyway love you J _


	33. Chapter 33

Resident Fun 5

_Hey just a quick shout out to all the people who are favouriting and alerting my stories I just wanna say thank you it's really touching. Anybody's reviews or favourites are greatly appreciated and I love all of you BUT I still love the silent readers who do neither, I love you silent readers! Now without further ado crap: _

The gruesome twosome turned and walked into a small room, in the corner a skeletal form was stuck to the wall, the skull grinning wildly at them.

"Urgh nasty" Sheva commented.

Something shined from within the dead mans ribcage.

"Shiny!" Chris roared, ripping the ribs out of the way and hurling them behind him.

"Chris!" Sheva squealed.

Chris wasn't listening however and grabbed the 'shiny' out of the dead man, he inspected it then tutted.

"Aw just a fucking ruby I've got loads of them" He sighed throwing it behind him and hitting Sheva in the head.

"Ow!" Sheva growled. "Anyway who the fuck put that in him?"

"He probably swallowed it or something" Chris suggested.

"…Chris why would he swallow a ruby?" Sheva asked.

Chris shrugged. "…Maybe it was in a sandwich?" He offered.

"Chris who would put a ruby in a sandwich?" Sheva asked.

"**You** would!" Chris retorted before running back into the open, Sheva followed sighing.

Soon enough they came across another chest that didn't for some reason budge against the Man Hulk's enormous strength.

"Chris wait! The floor underneath you is obviously a trapdoor!" Sheva warned him.

Chris turned and looked at her. "How do you figure?" He asked, gingerly tapping his feet against the ground.

"Well is a perfect square, it's a completely different colour to the rest of the area…and you've just triggered it" Sheva sighed as she watched Chris scream and fall, thankfully he grabbed onto the ledge with a bit of effort, he stared up at her.

"Fly you fool" He coughed before grabbing her ankle and letting go of the ledge, bringing Sheva down with him.

"What the hell!?" Sheva yelled at him as they hurtled towards their almost certain doom.

"What?" Chris asked.

"What was the point of saying 'Fly you fool' then grabbing my ankle and killing me along with you! In fact what was the point of that whole stupid incident!" Sheva screamed.

"Look I'm not in the mood to have an argument mid air ok!?" Chris shot back.

"Fine we'll have a **fight** mid air then!" Sheva growled before punching Chris, soon it was an all out slappy fight with Chris slowly losing, suddenly they hit the ground with a bump.

Suddenly Bui Kichwa appeared out of the ground before them.

"Not these again!" Sheva snarled before throwing a flash grenade within the crowd of spiders, they died instantly.

"Haha! Hey! Hey you guys! There's some people who actually fell for the trapdoor prank!"

Chris and Sheva turned to see a Majini pissing himself laughing at them. Down the corridor to the right of Chris and Sheva they heard a distant: "What!? Bwahahahaha"

"Hey shut up!" Chris hissed.

"Hahahaha!" The Majini replied, Sheva shot the top half of his head off.

Suddenly in the distance they heard the sound of a door opening.

"Lets roll" Chris said.

They emerged in a large arena type area, Majini guarding it, Chris took them out easily.

"Hey this looks like the layout for a level in Crash Bandicoot" Chris laughed as he surveyed the area.

"Look!" Sheva shouted rushing over to the middle, she began pushing a lever round and round.

"Sheva careful you don't know what that does!" Chris warned.

The large door in front of them slowly opened, but just as the pair began running to it, giant firey balls of doom came rolling towards them.

"Oh god it **is** a level from Crash Bandicoot! Help me Aku Aku!" Chris screamed.

_Well hope you liked that chapter, I QUITE liked it. I hope all of you know who Crash Bandicoot is! Anyway R&R darlings (or not I don't mind too much). G _


	34. Chapter 34

Resident Fun 5

_Sorry (if anyone's reading this) I had coursework to do and the like…anyway enjoy this my darling. _

"My God what are those!?" Sheva screamed

"Giant fiery balls of doom Sheva" Chris informed her.

"Better give them a wide berth" Sheva replied.

"Miss State the Obvious 200999999999!!!" Chris screamed the last part as a giant ball whacked into him and sent him flying away through the now closing door, Sheva scurried after him much to the dismay to two watching Majini.

"I told you giant fiery balls of doom was a stupid idea" One hissed, the other burst into tears.

Meanwhile Sheva and Chris were opening a giant door.

"I don't like the look of this" Sheva groaned.

"Why? Nothing bad could possibly be on the other side of that door" Chris laughed.

Sheva narrowed her eyes at him. "How do you know that?" She questioned.

"Oh…uh" Chris stared at her stumped.

"Come on carry on pushing" Sheva sighed.

The pair emerged into a long corridor with various pits in their way.

"Looks like the set of an Indiana Jones movie" Chris commented.

Sheva glared at him and walked onto a quite obvious trigger trap, suddenly all of the statues beside them started falling.

"Runnnn!!!" Chris yelled.

The pair broke into a sprint leaping over obstacles, suddenly a bit of the floor fell away, the pair jumped and continued running, Sheva looked over at Chris and stifled a laugh at the look of absolute terror on his face, in fact…

"Chris are you crying?" Sheva shouted as they ran.

"What??? What no!!!" Chris lied wiping the tears from his eyes.

A second later and Sheva heard mumbling to the side of her, it was Chris mumbling to himself and continuing crying.

"We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die!" He muttered.

"Chris snap out of it!" Sheva scolded.

"How long is this flipping corridor!?" Chris demanded as another part of the floor beneath them crumbled away.

"And how bad is the quality of their floors!?" Sheva agreed.

"We'll have to speak to management" Chris whispered.

Sheva nodded.

More of the floor began crumbling away the pair jumped but a part of the floor gave away underneath Chris's enormous bulk.

"Chris!" Sheva screeched.

"Go on without me!" Chris wailed as he grabbed onto his partners leg.

"Argh Chris get off me!" Sheva yelped but Chris wasn't listening and soon he had pulled himself up…though Sheva's leg was broken.

"Facking hell!!!" Sheva screamed.

"Sorry" Chris whimpered.

"Shit the door!" Sheva screamed, Chris looked up to see a door was indeed closing in front of them.

"Jump!" He commanded, the pair dived to the door, Chris going one way and Sheva coming the other.

"PULLLL BAAAACCCKKKK!!!!!" Sheva mimed as their heads headed towards each other.

"I can't!!!" Chris mimed frantically back, with a loud CLUNK their heads smacked together viciously and the door closed.

"Ok whose bright idea was it to do the diagonal jumping thing?" Chris sighed.

"YOU!" Sheva growled. "I'm just lucky you didn't land on me…" Sheva stopped and looked down to see that Chris was indeed lying on her legs.

"Get off!" She hissed, kicking at him.

"Gods sake!" Chris moaned before punching the door in, it crumbled away into dust.

"Chris you genius!" Sheva squealed excitedly, limping up towards the door.

Chris followed after her scratching his head.

"Hey Sheva I think you need some first aid spray for that broken leg" He advised.

_Hope it was up to standard. R&R you lovelies _


	35. Chapter 35

Resident Fun 5

_Updates are getting rare now, sorry to anyone who's reading this :\ anyway I hope you enjoy it: _

The pair approached a small jump, Chris looked down then looked up at Sheva.

"We might have to do an Ashley-Leon thing here Sheva" He admitted.

"No I'm healed now" Sheva smiled.

".Fuck…how?" Chris wondered aloud.

"You forget the powers of first aid spray Christopher" Sheva smiled, shaking a can of it at him before leaping of the edge and down onto the ground below.

"I still think we should do an Ashley-Leon thing here Sheva!" Chris called down to her.

"How?" Asked Sheva bemused. "I'm already down"

"Catch meeeee!!" Chris squealed as he jumped, Sheva caught him and set him down, he looked at her questionably.

"…No" She answered shortly. "Not even I know how I caught you there without breaking my arms"

The approached what looked like a brick wall but two ropes hung from either side. Chris yanked both of them hard at the same time and suddenly the wall became a cold, stone staircase. Sheva and Chris exchanged a look.

"Honestly…**where** did they get the technology to make that?" Chris asked the world.

"Oh quit your eternal bitching and lets go" Sheva hissed as she began her way down the stairs.

"I don't bitch" Chris mumbled as he followed her.

Rounding a corner at the bottom of the great staircase Sheva and Chris were greeted by a silver box, Sheva opened her mouth to question it's being there but Chris shook his head solemnly at her. He approached the box slowly and opened it: a shiny grenade launcher beamed up at him. Chris squealed with excitement, the pair turned (Chris still admiring his shiny new gun) and approached a giant Aztec statue, seated on a rock nearby. "Pull" Chris mumbled, as he grabbed a hold of the rope hanging down from the statue's hand, he yanked hard but nothing happened.

"There's another one on that side look!" Sheva pointed.

"Well what you waiting for go get it!" Chris commanded.

"I'll take as long as I want" Sheva replied, before standing still and looking at her nails for a bit, tutting as she took the dirt out from under them, she looked up to see Chris staring expectantly at her. "**Now** I'll go…but it's because **I** want to!"

"Loony" Chris whistled as she left.

After a few minutes Sheva appeared on the other side and the pair pulled the ropes hard. The neck of the statue collapsed and it drew itself backwards to reveal a shiny, somewhere far away Sheva and Chris heard what sounded like stone moving. Grabbing the shiny Chris and Sheva began to make their way to the sound. The pair turned a corner to discover that a new staircase had arrived; another Aztec statue sat at the top, looking grand. Chris and Sheva ran towards it and pulled the rope, the staircase they'd just walked up turned into flat land.

"Seriously?" Chris asked. "Like seriously?"

The ground rumbled as more staircases moved up and down.

"Urgh fine lets just go and find out where all the incredibly intelligent Majini are hiding out" Sheva sighed.

_Umm hope you liked it. I'm probably a little rusty :\ Yeah R&R love you _


	36. Chapter 36

Resident Fun 5

_*Le gasp!* Yes I am back, after basically a year...jeez, sorry. Sorry to anyone who randomly drifted past and was liek: 'Where's teh new chapter!'  
My answer is: Tis here!  
It won't be funny! Haha...Comedy...anyway on with Resident Fun 5's NEWest chapter...chapter 36! _

Chris and Sheva ran up some stairs, then down some.

"Well this is extremely uneventful" Sheva sighed as some Majini arrived.

"Yes, and I'm extremely bored" Chris agreed.

"You know what would be interesting now?" Sheva said.

"That bat-crab thing coming back I should think" Chris said in a musing tone to himself as the pair approached yet another one of the ugly statues that plagued the Aztec Ruins bit.

"No" Sheva hissed. "Don't be stupid"

"You're stupid" Chris growled back as he pushed his partner out of the way to grab the grenade launcher that happened to be there.

Suddenly the ground shook violently as yet more stairs went up...or down.

"See? No bat crab" Sheva sighed.

Chris didn't reply.

"Chris?" Sheva mumbled. "There's no reason to go into a mood just because I'm right and you're wrong"

"Help! Sheva! The bat crab!" Chris screamed.

Sheva turned to see the bat thing from before had landed on Chris.

"Why! Why would it randomly decide to come here!" Sheva demanded.

"Maybe..." Chris said from underneath the bat thing's disgusting tail. "Maybe...that fall ended up in the Aztec ruins?"

"Oh, don't be stupid Chris" Sheva snapped.

"You're stupid!" Chris shot back, before grenade launching the bat thing off of him; it flew upwards from the force of the grenade and hit the ceiling before crashing back down onto Chris. "Ow!" Chris yelped as all the breath was knocked out of him.

Sheva ran to her partner's aid, and began kicking the bat-crab in its disgusting tail. Chris made no effort to help himself and instead flailed uselessly underneath the bat-crab's massive weight.

"Chris! Do something!" Sheva ordered.

"Right" Chris nodded, he blasted the bat-crab with the grenade launcher again, it flew up, hit the ceiling and crashed back onto him...again.

"Ow!" Chris yelped as yet again all of the breath was knocked out of him.

"No, something different to that you douche" Sheva growled.

"Why? It's foolproof!" Chris shot back before blasting the bat-crab with the launcher again; it flew up, hit the ceiling and crashed onto the floor.

"Sheva, why did you drag me away?" Chris demanded. "That was foolproof"

"It wasn't foolproof because a fool was doing it" Sheva hit back.

"Oh, real mature" Chris sighed as he stood up. "Look, this grenade launcher is useless and smelly" He tossed it to the side, before taking out his shock stick.

"Chris...do not try and use that on a boss" Sheva said, approaching her partner gingerly.

Chris's reply was to hit the bat-crab thing. "Help Sheva! It didn't die immediately!" He yelped as the bat crab turned to look at him.

Sheva groaned as she watched Chris get boxed into a corner by the giant creature.

"Sheva!" He yelled.

Sheva jumped onto the bat thing's tail and began stabbing it repeatedly while Chris began lashing out wildly at the bat crab with his stun stick.

"I can't do this" The bat- crab sighed before dying.

"Yes! I killed it!" Chris celebrated.

"That was a combined effort!" Sheva shouted.

"Actually I think you'll find I died because I couldn't be arsed" The bat-crab interjected.

"You can't talk" Chris hissed before shooting it repeatedly in the head.

"Now that, that bat-crab thing's dead...I think something eventful might happen" Sheva said in a wondering tone.

Chris turned to look epically at her with a massive smile of excitement on his face.

"That's right Chris...let's roll" Sheva nodded.

* * *

"Jesus...why...why are there so many stairs?" Chris panted as he and Sheva climbed the massive staircase leading out of the Aztec Ruins.

"I...I...I...think it's because it's a temp..." Sheva began.

"It's...because...they're stupid" Chris agreed with what Sheva hadn't said.

Too tired to be angry Sheva wiped some sweat from her brow. "Chris...since you're the manhulk...couldn't...couldn't you jump up?"

"Hey...hey, yeah!" Chris agreed happily, before leaping up to the door way.

"I meant...that you took me with you..." Sheva moaned, before dragging herself up rest of the way.

Finally when Sheva reached Chris (who had helped her out by shouting words of encouragement) they turned to the doorway.

"Meanwhile...with Wesker" Chris narrated.

Sheva threw him a funny look.

* * *

But Chris was right; something was going on with Albert Wesker!

"The preparations are almost complete. Then we can leave" Said Excella Gionne (because that's who it is, even if Chris and Sheva don't know it yet!) as she took a needle out of a suitcase.

"Good" Replied Wesker before glancing nervously at the needle Excella was tapping.

Excella brought the needle to his arm.

"Argh! What the hell! I want a warning before you do it you stupid cow" Wesker hissed, grabbing his arm away from her.

"What...like a countdown?" Excella blinked.

"Yes...that sounds a grand idea...a countdown" Wesker agreed, before nervously bringing his arm back out, Excella stuck the needle in immediately. "Bitch..." Wesker hissed through gritted teeth. "I'm gonna windfall your head off one day"

Excella ignored this and then started gunning for a promotion. "You know, I was surprised Las Plagas was such a success"

Wesker ignored her and stood up as he thought of Chris...cuz that's what he did most of the time...think of Chris.

Excella apparently was unaware of this as she continued. "When you first arrived I had my doubts"

Wesker being the cool ass bad guy that he is didn't show the hurt that flickered on his face when she said she'd had doubts.

"And now Uroboros is complete" Excella said.

There was an uncomfortable silence that Wesker decided to fill. "...your position within Tricell is secured"

Excella smirked. "Oh...I have my eyes set on something **much** bigger" She murmured as she basically touched Wesker up.

"Umm" Wesker managed out, because he was extremely creeped out...and now he really wanted to windfall Excella.

After checking him out a bit, Excella continued. "You'll be needing a partner right? Someone suitable to join you in your new world" Slowly she placed her hand on Wesker's stomach. "I believe I've proved myself worthy, haven't I?" She said as she slowly stroked the patterns on Wesker's cool, ass clothes.

Wesker slowly brought his hand up and grabbed Excella's chin. "Stop. The. Blatant. Coming. On. To. Me" He said calmly.

Excella shook her head out of his grasp as bird masked woman entered the room. "The BSSA are here" She said.

"Don't you mean the BSAA?" Wesker enquired, turning to look at the bird masked woman.

"No...I said BSSA I meant BSSA" The bird masked woman shot back.

"I like your mask" Wesker commented.

"Of course you do...you picked it you jackass" The bird masked woman snarled.

"Shut up or I'll windfall you" Wesker growled.

"It appears your old friend Chris Redfield..."

Wesker's ears perked up at Chris's name.

"...have come to pay a visit" Excella said.

"What...he's literally came to visit me? Or he's here to stop my evil plan again?" Wesker said, turning to Excella.

"The evil plan one obviously" The bird masked woman sighed.

"Shut up!" Wesker hissed, before becoming cool again.

"Do I sense concern?" Excella murmured.

"Not about Chris...maybe a bit of concern of you trying to rape me in the night though" Wesker agreed. "But anyway, the plan is in its final stages, I won't tolerate delays"

Excella stepped back and shook her head in disbelief before grabbing the suitcase full of needles and storming out of the room.

"Woman eh?" The bird masked woman joked before following Excella out of the room- leaving Wesker to be epically cool.

He stepped forward a little and looked out of his little house at the factory place below before having a flashback:

_"...a new superior breed of humans...creating a new world..." Said a disgusting old man in a wheelchair. _

_Wesker clenched his fist as he looked out at the storm, annoyed because he couldn't remember if he'd left the window in his car open. _

_"The progenitor virus" Gross old man continued. "You!" _

_The flashback flashed to Wesker looking angry again then back to the gross old man, who was continually babbling on...like old people do. "I was to become a god..." He said. _

_Suddenly it flashed to Wesker, whispering in the old man's ear (because this flashback is a very jumpy flashback). "That right is now mine" _

_The old man rolled to the floor. _

Flashback ended. Wesker decided to speak to himself. "I believe I should thank you Spencer" He mumbled (remember the man from the flashback, that's Spencer!).

* * *

"Hey..." Chris piped up.

Sheva looked at him.

"The chapter's finished" Chris said in wonder.

"Since when?" Sheva demanded.

"It was that damn Wesker!" Chris yelled, before punching the wall.

And with that the chapter ended.

_Probably a bit sketchy, I hope it wasn't a pain to read. R&R._


End file.
